I get a lot of emails from men and women wanting the elusive
answer to the never-ending question: How can I (or how can I get her to) have
an orgasm?
First piece of advice: Stop Trying. No. Really. Take the
pressure off of yourself or your partner to ‘make something happen.’ The more
we clamp down and ‘effort’ ourselves into an experience that we think we should be having, the more we
distance ourselves from the rich world of sensation that exists right here in
the present.
Second: Redefine ‘Orgasm.’ Many people have a very limited
view of what we consider to be orgasm, thanks to a lack of sound erotic
education and the prevalence of porn and soap operas as our dubious teachers on
sex and relating. Most of us believe that orgasm is this fleeting, 30-second event
where you buildup a lot of energy until you can’t hold it anymore, go over a
sharp edge and have some sort of crashing release.
While this experience (which I call ‘climax’) may be a part
of orgasm, it is only a tiny hiccup on the spectrum of possibility. To me,
orgasm is the pulsing breath of life that births every moment. Orgasm is the
chilly tickle on the edge of my skin as my lover draws his tongue from the edge
of my ear to the tip of my nipple. It’s the warm flush in my face and genitals
when I reveal a taboo desire. It
is the fire of my hunger and the blazing force that opens me to pleasure.
Which takes me to my third piece of advice: Receive. Let the
love in. Our ability to experience orgasm is directly proportionate to our
ability to receive pleasure. Very often, we have a lot of ideas that sit on top
of and stifle our pleasure:
I don’t deserve to
feel this good.
If I let this in, what
do I have to give up in return?
I don’t want to tell him
what I want because it will hurt his feelings.
If I ask for what I
want, I will look like a bitch.
Everyone can have this
except me.
I can’t do this with
someone unless I know we are getting married.
I should just go along
with this because I don’t want to look like I’m frigid.
I don’t want him to
think I’m a kinky nympho.
However, when you admit
the truth about your desire, love yourself enough to ask for it and stay
connected to the sensation along the way, a world of orgasmic pleasure opens up
to you—and rather than orgasm being this nebulous pinball that sometimes pings
in the jackpot every once in a while, it becomes an infinite banquet that fills
the hungry void that we often stuff with sugar, shopping or junk-food sex.
So what exactly does ‘let the love in’ mean? Well, first, it
means slowing down enough to be present with what is. It also means being
humble and gracious enough to honor the miracle of your very existence right
now. It means acknowledging your own desire. Perhaps you are having sex with
someone with whom you don’t really want to be having sex. Can you love yourself
(and the other person) enough to tell the truth? Or perhaps your partner is
offering exquisite attention on your navel and your brain is freaking out about
how you have to reciprocate? Can you love yourself and your partner enough, to
breathe, relax and feel (and maybe even whisper the words ‘Thank You”).
Orgasm has very little to do with technique and LOT to do
with state of mind. First of all, orgasm is our own responsibility. No one can
‘do it’ for us or ‘give it to us.’ Yes, other people may facilitate the opening
(and we dearly, dearly thank them for it), but our orgasm depends on our own
ability to stay relaxed, receptive and present with what is. Also, if a woman
doesn’t feel safe in any way, she will not enter a state of orgasm. This is why
conscious explorations of erotic pleasure and practices of surrender (like
Orgasmic Mediation) are powerful tools on your sexual journey.
For example, the other day I was having sex and while he was
inside me, I could hear a cacophony of voices wondering if he was having a good
time and if I was ‘doing it right.’ Instead of staying caught in my mind, I
chose to breathe, slow down and simply feel the sensation of our sex. I noticed
the tiny sparks on the lower walls of my pussy. I noticed the pulsation around
my lips. I noticed how deeply he was feeling me and riding our edge. I noticed
the variety of strokes he made—from long and languorous to soft and still to
powerful and rough.
I surrendered to the pleasure of our experience and allowed
the orgasm to overflow. I thought
to myself, “I feel so fully loved right now, by my self, by life, by this man,
by my body, that I am going to pour love onto this man through his cock.” And
from there, I simply let orgasm take the reins.
When you answer the questions “What is my desire?” and “Am I
staying connected to the sensation?” you invite an honest inquiry into the
inner landscape of your sex. You begin to see orgasm as a curious friend,
rather than an ephemeral foe. Orgasm becomes a lifelong journey, a state of
being and a passage to grace. It’s often a fiery and clunky ride, but if you
can remember to let the love in (and to share in your abundance), you’ll find
yourself deepening your intimacy, feeling so much more in your body and having
a hell of a lot of fun.
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