Of all fires love is the only
inexhaustible one.” ~ Pablo Neruda
I feel like I am at a crossroads.
I’ve been here for some time now and I’m getting a little impatient. As the
shadows of my former life fade, a vast uncertainty lies before me:
Do I move full-time to Los Angeles
this year? Next year? Ever?Do I travel to Peru, Thailand, India or somewhere else?Do I continue acting?Do I continue coaching?Do I lead workshops?Do I take more classes?Do I keep writing articles? A book?Do I give in to necessity and find
that secure 9-5 with health benefits?Do I have children now? In five years? Ever?
The more I get caught in the
questions, the more trapped/confused/angry/scared I feel. Survival mode
kicks in and I start making plans, solving problems and fixing my
circumstances. I busy myself with menial tasks that are suddenly of great
importance. I fixate on anything that seems to move my life ahead, just
like a responsible 32-year-old woman should.
I am a woman in control—pearls on,
belt cinched, lipstick unsmudged.
Then a hefty kick in the ass arrives
(or sometimes just good sex, though the two often go hand-in-hand these days)
and I remember that I have chosen an Orgasmic Life—a life of magic, play,
spontaneity, curiosity, adventure, growth and above all, a moment-by-moment
willingness to surrender to desire.
And the moment I begin to do
anything, I have moved from faith to mistrust. From authenticity to
masquerading. From being to performing.
Control forces us to do.
Surrender requires that we are done.
In the realm of Orgasm, life does its
work through you—but you don’t do a damn thing. In fact, the
moment you start to do, you actually get in the way of the greater
intelligence unfolding from within.
Unfortunately, our achievement-minded
society doesn’t think highly of surrender.
In fact, those who choose to live on the edge of uncertainty are often labeled
as “cowards”, “irresponsible”, “weak” or “pussies.” We overvalue being on
top and ignore, scoff at, condemn or even abuse anything that is seemingly
We all want to fuck life hard and
fast…but no one wants to admit their desire to be fucked.
Yet here’s the sad part—for as much
as we walk around brandishing our overdeveloped cocks and boasting about our
latest conquests, we are actually starving to be well-fucked and
thoroughly conquered. Really. Man, woman, gender neutral, hermaphrodite—it
doesn’t matter. The art of
receiving a good fuck from life is a human experience and is
the gift of our inherent femininity.
Surrender requires a hefty amount of vulnerability.
We must be willing to let our guard down. We must be willing to explore what we
want. We must be willing to unapologetically ask for it. We must be willing to
sit in the fire as we watch the tricks, defenses and games we use to hide, burn
away, so we can create the space to receive that which we most desire.
And yet, as my friend Pamela Madsen
says, this soft, wet, messy, fucked-open vulnerability is “the place from
where sexy flows.” It’s the void where unlimited Orgasm resides and
where only the brave and truly powerful can unleash Her onto the world. It is
We think we are
starving for love and we troll dating sites and bars searching for
that person or experience that we think is going to feed us. We think, perhaps
if we fuck it open, it will give us the spiritual nutrition we seek.
We are not starving for love.
We are bloated with love. In fact, we
have years of backed up love rotting in our systems. We are just stingy,
prideful and frightened motherfuckers who think that we are “giving something
up” if we reveal our hands first. We hide behind seduction, perfectionism and
poker faces, all while silently choking with shame on our tears of gratitude
and awe (that have turned bitter with resentment over the years of blame and
No, we are not starving for love, but
for the nourishment that comes from being fucked open and sharing our own
abundance. When you meet someone andfall in love,
that person isn’t giving you their love; they are giving you permission to
finally, finally express what’s been locked up inside you. And that
expression demands nothing less than the fullest surrender of your pride,
anger, shame, fear, envy, hatred and any other stagnant energy sitting on top
of your orgasm.
aren’t wrong. Pride, anger, etc. are all part of the journey and
when they are acknowledged and fully felt, can be alchemized
as fuel for desire and can deepen intimacy with yourself and the people in your
Surrender is a practice, just like
anything else in life.
There’s a reason why savasana
is considered a master pose and why those who hide behind their busyness
pop right up out of it at the end of yoga class (myself included). There’s a
reason why many try Orgasmic
Meditation once, only to run as far from it as possible afterwards.
We seek to do the next thing that takes us out of that place of
no-thingness…that uncertain void…the ultimate
death of all we thought we were.
And yet, on the other side is the
sweetest grace you’ve ever known: absolute
communion with your soul. The work is to release the conditions that
say, “I will only surrender if…(fill in the blank with whatever is it to which
you are attaching your happiness).”
So I’ve given up bargaining with Her,
released trying to discover the next right move and allowed her to
penetrate my innermost being so that pure, unadulterated Orgasm can flow from
me in gratitude and
grace. And it’s within the healing balm of grace that love is a
choice, freedom is inevitable and surrender is the holiest of prayers.
PS: Stay tuned for the upcoming
article in my new elephantjournal.com column, Orgasmic Living, entitled “Ashes
on the Playa: An Uncensored Narrative of Love and Surrender.”