Why I Avoid Sex: A Love Letter

Silence by Odilon Redon

To all my lovers, from this life and the many previous…

Dear Lover,

Thank you for taking the time to read this message. I understand it’s been difficult between us. I know you are wanting more of me and believe me, there is nothing more I’d love than to be able to offer you (and me!) the incredible sex you want anytime you want.

But I simply can’t.

Believe me, I try. Every time you reach for me, all I can hear is:

“Why you can’t a be a goddamned normal human being who fucks when she wants, cums when she wants and goes about her merry way?”

This I lament as you watch me collapse into a puddle of tears and snot once again—our sex hijacked by the alien demon baby that lives in my vagina.

OK. Maybe I’m being a little overdramatic.

That could be part of the problem.

I know the answers lie wrapped up, charred up, scarred up beneath the calcified strata of my orgasm; but as I listen closer, each layer has its own story to tell…

LAYER ONE: CONFUSION

If you asked me what I wanted from sex, I wouldn’t know where to begin. My people-pleasing reflex leaves me disconnected from the hunger in my heart.

Because really, who am I if I’m not making you happy? I don’t even exist. Cosmo says so.

Clinging to an identity wrapped in the dogma of “good little girls who only eat one scoop of ice cream,” I suffer in silence as I yield my voice, again and again, until silence becomes the norm.

Lost in a barrage of choices, I abdicate my power to another in the hopes of escaping the freedom-binding fear of making a decision.

What is sex? What is desire? How does my body work? Is it OK to feel these things? To want so much?

Maybe porn can teach me something? I remember the magazines hidden under the sink when I was 12. Later came fervent moans through green and red squiggles on late night TV. Now I can’t even check my email without getting spammed by a site promising me “lonely, horny girls who are looking just for me.” The porn world has left me feeling incompetent in every way. I will never be a) novel, b) a fantasy and c) ready to be fucked at the drop of a hat.

Which brings me to…

LAYER TWO: ANGER

Fuck you.

Fuck you for not wanting ME, but some trumped up, dolled up, cummed up, fucked up version of an automated sexbot.

Stop trying to prove your worth by conquering my pussy.

When did sex become finding the “10 Ways to Light Him On Fire” or the “15 Moves That Will Turn Her Pussy Into Jizz Pudding”? (Gross)

I avoid sex because penetration is so goddammed boring. I need more. So much more. More than I could possibly understand and yet I need you to figure it out and take me there. To more. To the heights of my mind. Fuck my mind and we could fuck forever.

I have discovered (to my polite, feminine chagrin) that I’m angry. Fucking angry. At the way the erotic has been reduced to this two-minute, frictioned frenzy factory.

But because of my confusion (see Layer One), it’s easier to just stay angry at you for not remembering to do that thing that I asked you to do two weeks ago (you remember the one—I shouldn’t have to remind you).

So no. I won’t fuck you. I won’t give you the satisfaction of my pleasure.

If I give an inch, you take my pride.

You’ll see me crumble and break, my vanity at stake, as each thrust, twang, tickle and tuck strips me of my beautiful hide and renders me defenseless to the

weight

of

my

own

desire.

And in that vulnerability I find myself deepening into…

LAYER THREE: TERROR

I have a not-so-secret fear: I am afraid of being thought of as frigid.

Ironic for a woman who spends her days writing, thinking and exploring the edges of her sexuality.

Or not. After all, the best disguise for insecurity is to dress it up in the robes of expertise.

But I have an even greater terror—that of not being frigid.

Who is this fierce feminine beast?

A woman so ravenous for life that she knows not how to hold all the conflicting and socially unacceptable pieces that are her. The whore tearing through her master’s flesh while wearing the virgin’s smile.

So grab the noose and tie it to the rafters: I would rather be dead inside than unleash the potency of my orgasm—I dare not face this uncaged warrior.

Avoiding sex is the same as avoiding life. It’s why I avoid going onstage. It’s why I pack my feelings into a dark corner. It's why I starved myself for seven years. It’s why it took me three fucking months to write these 1000 words.

Sex requires that we are vulnerable. We cannot hide from ourselves anymore and we cannot shirk our responsibility to this life in a comfortable wash of feigned ignorance.

As I resensestize my pussy, all my receptors come online and to feel everything, the beauty and the pain, is enough to make you want to die.

And yet, here I am again. Terrified. Of death. Of life. Of who I am. Of never knowing who I am.

So it isn’t that the magic is gone, my love—it’s that the potency of our combined forces is too frightening to imagine. So we hide. We play pretend. We get tired. We fall asleep until we forget that we were even hungry in the first place.

And I feel your resistance as much as I feel mine. In fact, I welcome it. It gives me an excuse to stay sleepy under the covers.

But please, dear lover, for the sake of your life and mine, don’t ever stop trying. Fight for our surrender. Know that under my creeping and crawling and cat-cat-caterwauling there is a woman who so painfully wants to escape—who is scratching, layer after layer, for her freedom—

 

And for the chance to re-remember that she is…

LAYER FOUR: LOVE

Love,

c

PS: I think we're on the right track.

If you nourished your sexual life with all the excitements and adventures which love injects into sensuality, you would be the most potent human being in the world. The source of sexual power is curiosity, passion. You are watching its little flame die of asphyxiation. Sex does not thrive on monotony. Sex must be mixed with tears, laughter, words, promises, scenes, jealousy, envy, all of the spices of fear, foreign travel, new faces, novels, stories, dreams, fantasies, music, dancing, opium, wine. ~ Anaïs Nin

When the sex just isn't enough...

L'origine du monde, 1866
Gustave Courbet

2am.

Shaking, I dialed the phone for a second time, as he didn't pick up the first. The volatile emotion in my gut overrode the sanity of my mind.

I'd been sick for the past week--the ubiquitous winter "bug" finally took up residence in my sinuses, throat and chest. So I sent him off to the party alone while I recuperated at home.

At midnight, I tried to sleep. The minutes became an hour. Then two. Tossing and turning within the rattled nightmare of my own freight-train mind, I felt the ache in my chest relentlessly knock me more and more awake. Each passing second was an agonizing call from the depths of my most profound longing.

He answered the phone. And before the "nice girl" could filter my words with her soothing, toothless bite, I blurted, "I'm not sexually fulfilled."

A hard blow to give via electronic communication, I know. But even as I said it, I knew that he already knew. Even as I said it, I knew he wanted more, too. And even as I said it, I knew what I wanted had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

We have good sex. In fact, we have great sex. Often. I have no problem experiencing one, if not several, climaxes that stretch out beyond the physiological contractions. He ejaculates if he wants, but if he doesn't that's fine too. I feel his heart. I feel his cock. I take pleasure in my own pleasure. We sometimes use toys and aren't afraid to get dirty.

But that one thing..that ineffable breath of life that overpowers our strongest defenses and connects us to the Source of all of Creation...yeah, I wanted that. All the time.

The sex just wasn't enough. I wanted more. I wanted Orgasm--the divine, erotic life force that births every moment.

The static between us had nothing to do with skill level or lack of love, but was directly connected to how honest I was about my desires, both inside, but more importantly, outside the bedroom.

I needed to look past blaming him and face the lack of fulfillment in my entire life, which was the true root of my discontent.

This has been a massive year of letting go: letting go of my coaching practice; letting go of raising the money to self-publish my book and instead opting, or rather praying, for a traditional publisher; letting go of the dream of acting; letting go of being the "sex expert" I thought I was.

La jeune fille et la mort, 1900
Marianne Stokes

And in the wake of all of that release, I realized: I wasn't mad at him. I was mad at God. Not any religious God, but my own personal connection with spirituality.

I felt betrayed.

Hadn't I already sacrificed enough? Hadn't I already whittled down my life to the barest of actions that were "in my integrity"? Hadn't I already "cleared the clutter" and dedicated time to only that which flowed from my deepest desires? Hadn't I stretched and beaten and shattered my heart enough so that it could "grow bigger" and "include all of humanity"? Hadn't I starved myself for seven years, left a marriage and sold 95% of my possessions to move across the country on a whim of faith? Wasn't I too old for this shit?

Apparently not. Or maybe none of that spiritual bargaining mattered. Or maybe I was just a spoiled adolescent brat on the verge of archetypal adulthood.

That mirror was painful. Sitting in the hungry void, feeling like I had given my all, yet not knowing who I was or what I wanted.

My lack of fulfillment stemmed from the ambivalence in my own life. The sex was simply a megaphone for those core erotic dissatisfactions, with Orgasm as the great communicator. And while Orgasm often speaks to us through sex, she will neither be contained nor compartmentalized to that one arena. The insatiable aches of my erotic appetite no longer found nourishment in the ephemeral frictions of sexuality, but in the perennial surrender with divine grace.

The Warrior
From 6 to 9 and Beyond:
Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism

Even as I write this, it feels as if I am asking for an answer to the unanswerable. It's like demanding that the Mystery reveal itself, but once it does, it will no longer be a Mystery.

I wish I could share a nugget of wisdom gleaned from Kali's blade. But I can't. Or if I could, the only thing I would say is this: I don't know a goddamned thing about anything.

And maybe that's a blessing. It strips me of those moronic "Top 5 Techniques" that I think will please him and use to temporarily assuage my inner crise de l'esprit. It forces me to release these binary notions trapped within the words "masculine" and "feminine." It shows me how little an understanding our culture has of the power of Orgasm and demonstrates the painful folly of lumping "sex" and "Orgasm" into one transient act (intercourse). And it places the responsibility for my erotic fulfillment squarely in the hands of the only one who can do anything about it: me.

Ask me what my biggest turn-on is and the answer will always be the same: Truth. The humble, quivering, vulnerable truth of each moment will invariably win out over any big-budget show. That is the ultimate fulfillment I seek and until I surrender to the truth of what is, I will always be fighting what isn't.

So that's our practice now: absolute, radical truth, both within the Orgasmic Eros of our sex and the Orgasmic Eros of our lives. And as the fire burns through the written landscape of my life, this truth may be the only thing left standing in the end.




Alexander - Truth from Alexander on Vimeo.

A Lesson in Gratitude

Many of us in the US have just survived Round One of the holiday season: Thanksgiving. And while football, family and feasting usually comes to mind during this time (for better or for worse), it's also a great opportunity to step back and reconnect to one of the most powerful Orgasmic tools available: gratitude.

Gratitude has the immediate power to expand our capacity to receive more orgasm, more sensation and more LIFE. When we are caught in cycles of resentment, anger or blame, it's often a symptom of lack of gratitude.

But wait just a minute there. Before you start "looking on the bright side," let me tell you what gratitude is NOT. It isn't denying your feelings in favor of "positive thinking" or telling other people not to worry because the universe "has it all taken care of." This kind of spiritual bypass is a way of avoiding difficult feelings--and these feelings have something rich to teach us!

Gratitude is simply the ability to stay present and say "yes" to what is happening. Say yes to the resentment. Say yes to the anger. Say yes to the blame. Then listen in closely and see what it has to say to you. This sets the stage for unfathomable amounts of intimacy. More often than not, there is a message of love that feels unworthy of being shared.

So share it. And by learning to say "yes" to all that is happening, you learn to express your clear "no" and set proper boundaries from a centered place of wisdom.

The more we cultivate our "yes," the more we can appreciate what is working in our lives, rather than getting hooked on what we perceive isn't working.

Start right now. Notice your body. What is the sensation or feeling that is most predominant right now? Say yes to that feeling or sensation. Keep saying yes as it shifts. Ask it what it wants to say. Just stay with it until you receive something. It may not make sense. It may not be transmitted through language. But just keep listening and saying yes until you are complete. Then thank this feeling or sensation and, while still connected to this part of you, write down 10 things for which you are grateful.

Learn to say yes to what is happening and the incredible abundance around you quickly becomes clear--no matter what time of year it is.

I am thankful for you all and wish you a safe and grate-FULL holiday season.

Blessings,
Candice

PS-In this moment, I also want to offer a prayer for peace and healing, as the true nature of Thanksgiving is not as happy as our history books would want us to believe. Please say a prayer for all who suffered during the founding of this nation. May we all learn to love one another as one people. Aho. (And special thanks to my friend Michael Costuros for bringing this link to my attention)
http://www.manataka.org/page269.html

The Tragedy of Falling in Love

The tragic beauty of falling madly in love with every moment is that you must simultaneously grieve as each second passes. This is the trade-off for opening your heart wider to love: the heart must swell and break within it's own pulsing for you to be fully alive. 

This was my lesson at this year's Burning Man--specifically at the Temple of Grace. The willingness we have to feel even a single teardrop of the world's grief will determine our capacity to receive the world's blessings, which are always here, simply waiting to be acknowledged.

At one point, I saw the faces of the many men I have loved in my life and asked for their forgiveness where I lacked compassion. At another point, I sat before the altar, channeling the Divine Mother, and sang Ho'oponopono, while those around me prostrated in the most reverent and humble prayer. And still at another point, I clutched my Beloved Adam as we sobbed in each others' arms, both in gratitude for our life together and in sadness in its ephemeralness.

I am still learning how to walk with an open heart. I am still learning how to trust the erotic voice quivering within my soul. I am still learning how to be in continued connection within a community where, even after three years, I often feel like I don't quite fit. Please have patience with me as I stumble my way towards Grace.

Thank you. I love you. Please forgive me. I forgive you. Bless you. Bless you.

The Joy of Sucking Cock, PLUS! 3 Delicious Tips to Help You Savor the Feast

I remember the first time I sucked a man’s cock. I was 19 years old and desperate to explore my sexuality (the high school boys always seemed too “immature”).

I’d spent several days anticipating my upcoming tryst with this man and poured over the internet for hours looking for the best ways to give head.

After memorizing what seemed like countless “Top 10” articles, I deemed myself an expert and set out on my mission for fellatio.

The hungry little slut was born.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE ON "MY TINY SECRETS"

How Orgasm Saved My Life

Photo by Jocelyn Marquis

"I thought I was going to die. But the truth was I was coming back to life. My orgasm would no more withstand the capital punishment I’d forced upon her and the harder I tried to hold her down, the louder she would cry. She would not stop until every lie I’d built around me collapsed into a burning pyre at my feet and there was nothing left but…me. Vulnerable. Surrendered. But in my charred nakedness, I discovered that the things I’d been taught to fear were the very things that had set me free."

READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE ON MY TINY SECRETS

Download my interview on "How We Talk About Sex"

I am proud and honored to be featured on Eric Leviton's fabulous podcast, "How We Talk About Sex," released on 5/18/14. Download the interview from iTunes and listen in as I share some of the more personal details of my erotic and spiritual journey, as well as a discussion of my upcoming book, From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.

Click here to download.

Erotic Lessons from The Nun

Photo by Sequoia Emmanuelle

“I believe in loyalty. We should respect our Church, but never believe that the Church has the last word. The Church is saying “this”, but I believe that sooner or later “this” will change. “This” is not the mind of our Lord. God is all love. It’s a delicate balancing thing. The Church has changed its position over the years, and because the spirit is with the Church, in the end the Church will always get it right. But in the end. The spirit of the Church is the meaning of love, which hasn’t yet, perhaps, been fully understood,”

~ Sister Wendy Beckett on the subject of gay marriage

Most of us rarely hear the words “erotic” and “nun” in the same sentence.

That is, unless, you had a Catholic-school crush that permeated into the current kinks of your daily life.

However, whether you believe in God or not, we all have some form of the erotic nun archetype within ourselves. And while it’s true that nuns do not have sex, that does not mean that they do not have an erotic life.

To the contrary. I believe that many nuns have a rich and powerful connection to their own erotic energy. They’re married to Jesus Christ, for…well…Chrissakes!

First, let me define erotic. Its root word, eros, is Greek in origin and one of its meanings is “love as a fundamental creative impulse.” So while sexuality can be erotic, not everything erotic has to be sexual.

Eroticism is simply an experience of the  world that is alive, vital, flowing, present and deeply connected to the powerful creative energy always surrounding us.

Some people may call that energy orgasm. Other people may call that energy source. Still others may refer to is as kundalini. Nuns call this energy The Holy Spirit. And to devote your life and your creative force in service of this divine energy is truly erotic indeed.

The nun archetype experiences the erotic as God revealing his/her self in every ecstatic moment. In every face. In every sunrise. In every routine chore.

When I think of the embodied erotic nun archetype, I look no further than Sister Wendy Beckett. She’s a South African-born nun who currently resides in England and is best known for her PBS specials where she shares with the audience the history and technical analysis of various paintings and sculptures.

What is evident in her voice is how much awe, reverence and passion she has for art. She speaks with pleasureand delight as she describes the sensual curves of the sky, the fruit, the women and all manner of subjects that the artists choose to express through their work.

“He’s not interested in the static, but in the moment, when things are moving and happening,” says Beckett, almost defining eroticism in her description of Bernini’s sculptures.

In fact, every word that comes out of her mouth seems to be a gourmet delight that she can not wait to share with her viewers. She does not balk in shame or disapproval when sharing the sexual ardor of the nude characters depicted in the paintings.

And the seemingly limitless well of wonder from which she draws is unconditional love for all God’s creatures.

We are, of course, familiar with the unintegrated, shadow aspects of the nun: spiritual narcissism, delusions of grandeur, disgust for things of the “earthly” realm, etc. And though we may be used to associating those aspects with women wearing the habit, they can often show up in our everyday lives: anorexics, sanctimonious “enlightened” gurus and even many “seekers” who can barely take care of their everyday needs all deny themselves pleasure in the pursuit of “purity” and condemn anyone who does not walk their perception of “the right way.”

Our work is to neither reject the nun nor uphold her as the sole source of guidance in our lives; but to listen to her, love her and honor her wisdom with balanced ears.

So let us learn a thing or two from the erotic essence of the nun, such as awe and passion for the greater powers that surround us, no matter how mundane or trivial they may seem.

Let us bow our heads in reverence to the mysteries that influence and guide us every day. Let our work be a prayer for more compassion and an act of service in honor of the divine. And may we all heed her invitation to dance with each other in the name of universal love.

PLAY ON

The Nun’s Poem from the book “From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.”

Play on, God.

Play on, Mother Mary.

Play upon the instrument of my rich and fertile body,

So Ripe and Pluck-able.

Play until I sing your praises

In cries of terror and ecstasy,

Forgetting myself

In the remembrance of all that I am,

All that I was,

And all that I will ever be:

Your Divine Grace.

New Website Devoted to My Book, "From 6 to 9 and Beyond"

Hello all,

It is with great pleasure that I unveil my latest project, From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism." You may recall all those videos blogs I did in July and August, as well as the Indiegogo campaign I ran.

Well, as the book unfolds, I am posting excerpts from the stories and poetry and pictures! You can find them all at one place at the url below. Be sure to check back for more updates as the book unfolds!

http://www.from6to9andbeyond.com

"From 6 to 9 and Beyond: The Virgin"
Photo Credit: Sequoia Emmanuelle

Max J. Van Praag: Bringing Sexual “Private Matters” to the Public.

View this article on Elephant Journal

When was the last time you had a frank and multi-perspective conversation about G-spot orgasm?

How about porn addiction? Or being an “ethical slut”?

Virgins over 30? Power play? BDSM?

While, for many of us living in mainstream America, the answer may be “never,” it’s simply a day in the life of Talk Show Host, Max J. Van Praag, founder of the Private Matters TV show.

Private Matters is a San Francisco Bay Area-based series (though episodes are available to watch online from anywhere in the world) that interviews sex and relationship coaches, teachers, therapists and experts with a variety of specialties.

The show’s mission is to awaken men and women to their erotic potential through raising awareness of the many aspects of sexuality and bringing these kinds of topics to the mainstream. The belief is that through raising awareness of sexuality, intimacy can arise, shame can be released and old wounds can be healed.

Mr. Van Praag is so passionate about his mission that he has personally financed the first 40 episodes of Private Matters. Now, he wants to go bigger. More episodes, higher profile guests, a greater reach of people and broadcast on major television networks—which is why he is ambitiously raising $150,000 via Indiegogo to improve the quality of his show and to develop a website portal with advice, products, workshops and links to sexuality teachers.

In the following interview, Mr. Van Praag delves deeper into his inspirations, desires and personal relationship to his own sexuality and reveals why he is so passionate about bringing Private Matters to the public.

1. Who are you and where are you from? What did you do in your “previous life” (before starting Private Matters)? 

I was born in Holland, and have lived in several countries growing up. I am a polyglot (fluent in five languages) and consider myself a citizen of the world. After my studies in the performing arts, classical music and psychology, I came to the US from Holland in the mid-nineties to study and do research in human development and spiritual growth. I first lived and worked in a large workshop retreat center in the Catskill Mountains, then settled in the San Francisco Bay Area in 1996. I have also facilitated seminars in self-expression.

2. What inspired you to create Private Matters? 

My own life journey and learning with women and the awareness that both of those may serve a greater purpose. [I was also inspired by] watching the movie Bliss in the nineties. This profound and beautiful movie brings potent knowledge about sexual healing into the mainstream. I shared the movie with hundreds [of people] and decided to create art and media with similar messages. As I explored various possibilities, I finally settled on the talk show format. 

3. Why are these topics so important to you and how do they affect you personally? 

I am passionate about bringing messages about intimacy and sexual awakening into the main stream. I love to take people to new places and I know that I am extremely comfortable in some of these controversial, edgy, taboo areas where most people are not. Nothing shocks me. Also, the quickly growing interest in these topics in our culture is apparent. Look at all the TV shows and movies coming out: Fifty Shades of Grey, Thanks for Sharing, The Sessions, etc. 

4. Describe your relationship to your own sexuality. 

I am a romantic at heart and am deeply moved by powerful love stories and by people walking their own path. Many of my relationships and connections with women have been powerful, catalyst experiences for healing and growth, both for her and myself. I think I am a very good communicator and I love that about myself. I am also really comfortable with who I am sexually as a man and I make it a point not to label myself but to stay open to what is most loving and fulfilling in any particular situation. 

5. Who has been your favorite interviewee so far? 

One of my favorites, because of her niche, is Marion van der Stad in Holland, an intimacy coach who only works with virgins over 30 years old. There are more people in their forties, fifties and sixties who have never had sex. This is news for many viewers—just watch the new feature film The Sessions. 

6. Whom would you most like to interview (the person can be living or dead)? 

David Deida. It will happen! I remember when I had just moved to California in 1996. I had the trunk of my car filled with the first version of The Way of The Superior Man in spiral bound format to give away to all my friends. 

7. What has Private Matters accomplished so far? 

40+ episodes about different topics, viewed by over 100,000 people worldwide, [along with] many letters from people thanking me for influencing the way they relate and communicate. 

8. What is your desire for Private Matters in the future? 

A high-caliber show that is trusted and watched by millions worldwide, and that changes peoples intimate lives. A show that networks want to broadcast, with a live studio audience and bigger sets in the US and Europe.

4 Tips to Keep Passion Alive in Long-Term Relationships.

View this article on Elephant Journal

Those were the days my friend—we thought they’d never end.

We’ve all been there. The start of a relationship. That crackling, electric time when you can’t help but just soak up every drop of your new infatuation and every private moment is spent in the throes of passion.

Until it’s one year, five years, 10 years (or more) later. You’re now more concerned about whether he or she picked up toothpaste from the store rather than what position you want to try tonight.

You know which foods give him or her gas. You’re harboring a secret (or-not-so-secret) resentment towards his or hercleaning habits. The mystery has shifted to TMI.

But you still love your partner. You still think they are gorgeous and awesome and you want to rekindle the spark.

So what do you do?

Of course, simply admitting the truth that you are both hungering for more intimacy (as well as any other withheld communications) is a huge step towards increasing the turn-on, but where do you go from there?

In the following video, I’ll share with you 4 of my favorite tips to help rekindle the passion in your long-term relationship.

6 (Non-Linear) Steps to an Orgasmic Life. (Part Two)

View this article on Elephant Journal

In my previous article, I described a new definition of orgasm and talked about what it means to live an orgasmic life.

In this piece, we’ll dive deeper into the 6 (non-linear) steps to an orgasmic life.

Why non-linear? Great question.

First, orgasm (like life) isn’t linear. One minute we are up, the next we are down. Last week we went right, but this week we may be called left. One great success can turn into a massive failure and one embarrassing failure can morph into our greatest success. Through orgasm, we are cultivating a very dynamic and paradoxical way of seeing the world. To slap linear construct on top of that would limit our perspective of what’s possible.

Second, the first two steps are more like anchors that help us through each of the others. Anytime we feel our resolve getting shaken or the voices of fear overtake us, steps one and two are there to help us anchor into the present. Also, the steps themselves aren’t like climbing up a ladder, but more like walking in a spiral—the moment you find yourself at “the end,” you discover you are actually at a new beginning.

Finally, the steps themselves are simply guidelines for possible experience. The moment you step into Step 3, you may find yourself back to Step 1 or catapulted into Step 6. You may be experiencing Step 2 all the way though Steps 3-6. And this is by no means the complete and definitive list of how to live an orgasmic life. There’s lots of room forimprovisation and innovation. Ultimately these “steps” are about gathering tools and using them when the moment calls for it.

So, without further ado, I offer you 6 (Non-Linear) Steps to an Orgasmic Life.

1. Attention

This may be the most difficult for most of us, especially in an iPhone addicted, Facebook skimming, TV watching world—which is why it is so important to get this concept first before moving on. So much of our lives is spent obsessing over the past or trying to control the future. We look outside of ourselves to inform us about who we are rather than looking within. We are rarely here and now. We are worrying about how we look and what people will think. We hide from our power through any variety of subtle (and not so subtle) addictions.

Orgasm demands our full attention on the present so we can actually feel what’s here. Bringing your focus to the present, perhaps on your body, your breathing or some truth you want to speak, helps us connect directly to our desire, which is the mouthpiece of an orgasmic life.

2. Approval

Just as important as attention is the concept of approval. Approval is the ability to say ‘yes’ to what is happening in any moment and is the key to ‘turn-on’, i.e. the capacity for us to allow orgasm to flow freely through our bodies. Approval isn’t about being a pushover or a milquetoast. You can set a firm boundary of “No” and still be in approval of that which is happening, because you are a “Yes” to yourself and a “Yes to loving” to whomever you are speaking.

Approval is the radical acceptance of all that is happening as absolutely perfect. Approval is the willingness to let go of the struggle to “be right” and simply just “be.” Even in the midst of our pain, can we open up and say ‘yes’ to all that we are feeling? Can we approve of our anger? Our tendency to blame? Our judgments that things should be other than they are? Can we even be in approval of our disapproval?

On the flip side can we approve of our pleasure? Can we open ourselves to the divinity that we are? Can we approve of our power and desire and allow it to guide us, even when it means being vulnerable? In order for us to move in the direction of our desire, we must first be in approval of where we are.

3. Ask

Once we have our attention on the present and are in approval of it, desire naturally arises. So what do we do with it? We ask for what we want, of course. Desire is vocal and if we sit around just waiting for life to happen to us, chances are we aren’t going to gather a lot of steam. So often we resort to subtle manipulation and sideways tactics and blaming people for not being mind-readers, when all we have to do is ask. Asking for what we want is a HUGE risk. It means the possibility of rejection and ridicule and being told we aren’t “good enough” to have it. It also means taking responsibility for ourselves and placing a stake in the ground for our desire.

Oftentimes, we don’t even know the specifics of what we want. All we can do is ask for help. This is just as good a prayer as any. Surrender to that unknown (or known) desire. Ask with sincerity. Be willing to go on the ride, even though you have no idea how it’s all going to turn out. That’s part of the fun, right?

4. Activation

Activation is the spark that occurs between us and life. It’s the ignition of orgasm and the gracious reception of it. It’s the sweaty palms as you lean in for your first kiss. It’s the beating of your heart before you go onstage. It’s the quickening of your breath as you sign your first client. Simply put, it’s the moment your mind, body and soul click into place and we are in total acceptance of our lives.

Activation is a key moment and one that requires the help of attention and approval. Oftentimes, when the energy gets high and we let go, we lose our focus or start to struggle for solid ground. This is where faith comes in. The universe has got it handled. Just breathe, soften and open.

5. Allowance

Once the spark of orgasm starts to flame through our lives, we must resist the urge to contract out of fear or the belief that we are undeserving of this amount of energy, be it attention, money, pleasure, etc. Allowance is the capacity to open wider and receive more. In sex, we often rush to the climax to try to expel the energy out of our body as quickly as possible. We do this in life too. Perhaps we rush towards anger or victimization or binging or going on a shopping spree.

Allowance holds us in the truth that we are capable of feeling so much more and that if we simply ride the edge,unfathomable amounts of pleasure are possible. Be willing to ride that edge, rather than rush to climax (unless climax is what is authentically being expressed in the moment—then ride that all the way down to the bottom).

6. Acknowledgement

Acknowledgement is a skill that automatically flips any perspective from suffering to celebration. Acknowledgement is recognizing just how much the world is conspiring for our success. It’s gratitude in the face of tears. It’s the willingness to share your orgasm with humility and generosity. Acknowledgement fosters compassion through its ability to see how connected we are. My success is your success. My pain is your pain. My healing is your healing. It’s the ability to simply name what it happening and love it as an integral teacher on the journey.

So rather than complain, acknowledge the blessing of life. Give profound and unabashed thanks for the miracle that it took for you to be alive in this moment. From this place, we can truly be of service to humanity and give back from a place of joy and fullness, which is the ultimate gift of an orgasmic life.