69 Vlogs. 69 Days #42: Course Correction

Course Correction #69vlogs69days

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #41: Candice's #1 Top Secret Way to Resolve a Fight

Candice's #1 Top Secret Way to Resolve a Fight #69vlogs69days

 

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #40: Candice Invites You to Get Naked with Her

Who would you be if you were willing to get naked? #69vlogs69days

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #39: It's Not the Sex. It's the Secrecy.

It's not the sex. It's the secrecy we have around it that keeps us in shame and out of integrity ‪#‎69vlogs69days‬

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #38: What is SEX-sationalism?

What is SEX-sationalism? ‪#‎69vlogs69days‬

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #37: Sneak Peek from the Book aka Erotic Poetry of my experience with a woman

A little erotic sneak peek from the book--if you like what you hear, let me know in the comments section and I will share more in upcoming vlogs!

5 Ways "Taking Space" Can Aid Your Marriage

View original article on The Good Men Project

“Honey, I think we need to take some space.”

I spoke these words to my ex-husband towards the end of 2008—seven years too late. About a month later, the relationship ended.

Two months into my second marriage, I now see how the power of space is one of the key factors in helping a partnership thrive.

Oftentimes when a partner asks for space, an onslaught of negative thoughts deluges (and deludes) our minds:


Taking space is about staying connected through the distance. Being in your dance of solitude while still celebrating companionship.

S/he doesn’t love me anymore.

S/he is cheating on me.

I’m asking for too much.

I’m too needy.

I’m not attractive.

I’m no fun.

But the truth is taking space is one of the telltale signs of a healthy relationship. It demonstrates trust, interdependency (vs. codependency) and being able to know your own needs, share them with your partner and have them lovingly received.

Taking space is not the same as running away. Running away is cutting the cord of the relationship. It’s a form of emotional disconnection and is the only refuge of those filled with resentment. What’s most needed in those moments is to stay connected, both to your partner and to your own feelings, and to share the backlog of communication you have withheld during your time together (this might take a little while and in the company of a good coach or therapist).

Conversely, taking space is about staying connected through the distance. Being in your dance of solitude while still celebrating companionship. Nurturing yourself so you return to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your bounty.

The following are my top 5 reasons why taking space in a marriage are the keys to saving it.

1. It builds sexual tension.

Ever hear the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” How about “absence makes the cock grow harder?” No matter how smokin’ hot your spouse is, once you see them through the domestic lens of morning breath and dirty dishes, the sexual sizzle starts to wane. But, just a little bit of space creates dynamic tension—the further apart the polar opposites are pulled, the stronger the magnetic attraction builds. Both time and distance stoke that desire. So when the moment to reunite approaches, both partners are typically aching to jump each other’s bones.

2. It helps deepen relationships outside your primary relationship.

“Ever since you got married, we never see you anymore.” So goes the lament of many a best friend when his or her pal ties the knot. Unfortunately for many of us married folk, once we start building the nest, we often find it difficult to leave. Remembering to foster your important relationships outside the marriage is a great way to build community and friendship for when you need an outsider’s perspective. Plus, when people have a strong web of external support, they become less dependent on the marriage for emotional nourishment and relieve spouses of the impossible duty to be their partner’s “everything.”

3. It reconnects you to your own needs and desires.

Most of the time in marriage, partners think in terms of “us.” “Can I afford to take a music class and contribute to our rent?” “Can I go to the museum today or did my partner have other plans in mind for us?” When you take time alone, you get to tap into your own individual desires and flow from there. You start to learn things about yourself that you may not have noticed if you’d had your attention on your partner. Perhaps you become inspired by a piece of artwork and decide to take up painting. Maybe you discover that Ethiopian food is your favorite (since you’ve never tried it because your partner hates it). Having the personal space to reflect on your needs and desires helps you return to the relationship whole, integrated and clear on what you need to ask next from the relationship.

4. Freedom!

Autonomy! It’s “do whatever the hell you want day” because no one is around to stop you! OK, not that anyone can stop you from doing anything really, but in relationship, negotiations are constantly being made. When you have your own space, you can turn up the music, dance in your underwear and eat greasy Chinese food. Or take a tour of a random neighborhood and enjoy the journey without having to check on someone else’s bladder or hunger levels. Knowing that there is space in your relationship for personal freedom builds trust and gratitude towards your partner.

5. It reminds you of why you love your partner.

Space feels pretty cool when you get to do what you want. But then there comes that moment when you want that perfect cup of tea only your partner knows how to make. Or when you ache for the depth of touch only your partner provides. Or when that silly, “inside joke” song comes on the radio and you end up singing it solo. When we feel the absence of the exquisite attention that our partner provides, we appreciate our dearly beloveds and remember why we continuously choose “yes” to the relationship.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #36: Wonder and Miracles

Wonder and miracles are only one step away from each other

 

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #35: Celebrating the Halfway Mark

Rather than celebrating at the end, every moment is an opportunity to celebrate #69vlogs69days

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #34: Celebrating the Bullshit

You can choose complaint or you can choose celebration ‪#‎69vlogs69days‬

Porn vs. Erotic Voyeurism: Interview with Laurie Handlers on Sex & Happiness Radio Show

What an honor and a thrill to be interviewed by incredible Tantra teacher Laurie Handlers. Her work has influenced mine over the years and it was a privilege to talk about porn, erotic voyeurism and my book project, From 6 to 9 and Beyond. Listen and download here.

69 Vlogs. 69 Vlogs #33 Orgasm and Voice (Viewer's Question)

I answer one of your questions in this vlog on orgasm and voice‪#‎69vlogs69days‬

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #32: Loving Your Bitch (Part 2 of 2)

Some friendly tips on loving your bitch ‪#‎69vlogs69days‬

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #31: Loving Your Bitch (Part 1 of 2)

Your bitch has a lot of valuable things to offer...if you let her

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #30: Desire is Specific (9 of 9)

Desire is Specific #69vlogs69days

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #29: Being with Embarrassment

As I start to put more of my vision out in the public eye, I noticed that it was a great opportunity to lean into (and learn from) embarrassment. PLUS! A huge thanks to all who have contributed to the book project so far.

THE INDIEGOGO PAGE IS NOW LIVE!

Contribute on Indiegogo here



Join the Movement to Shift Cultural Perspective on Feminine Sexuality

This is the biggest risk I have ever taken in my life. I am fundraising for my first book, "From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism."

I've raised money in the past: for the Southeast tsunami relief in 2004; for a theatre company from 2005-2008; for the National Eating Disorder Association in 2009; for the Haiti earthquakes in 2010.

But this is the first project I've worked on that stems directly from my personal mission: to shift the way we view sexuality, from sex as commerce to sex as an expression of our deepest truth.

In the past I've raised funds in the low thousands. This time, I am asking for $20,000.

This project is stretching me in so many powerful ways. And even when all the resistance and sabotaging voices come up, my anchor and driving force is desire.

Desire to introduce a new perspective on feminine sexuality.

Our society tends to view feminine sexuality as something to be bought, won, stolen or bartered. We women aren't exempt from this either. We often use sex as a means to win a husband or feed the fairy tale romance addiction.

My book widens the lens to incorporate a broader spectrum of female sexuality and to reintroduce the erotic back into sex.

The to me, the erotic is a way of living that is infused with joy, wonder and reverence for this life. Every moment is an opportunity to tap into that dynamic, pulsing life force we call orgasm.

The book uses 6 fictional short stories, 9 poems and artistic photography by Sequoia Emmanuelle to explore a moment in the erotic lives of 6 feminine archetypes: The Virgin, The Whore, The Warrior, The Queen, The Nun, The Grand-Mother.

I will donate 10% of profits from the book and all monies raised above $20,000 to an organization that fights sex trafficking.

This book is more than just a project. It's my prayer for the planet.

Please check out my Indiegogo fundraising page and make a donation. I have a lot of great "perks" for those who make a contribution, including coaching packages, OM Training sessions, massages, artwork, signed copies of the book and much more!

If you can't contribute financially at this time, share the campaign with your friends! You can also attend an interactive, women-only lecture I am leading in San Francisco, sponsored by Goddess ConneXion, on July 31. The event is called "Redefining Eroticism, Desire and Orgasm" and starts at 7pm at 3330 20th St. All admission funds go towards the campaign.

I will also be on Devi Ward's Radio Show Better Love and Sex on August 1 at 7pm PT, where I will be discussing eroticism, sexuality and orgasm. Listen, call in and share with your friends. It promises to be a sexy conversation!

As you can see there are lots of ways to participate. If you feel as passionate as I do about healing our relationship to sexuality, we need your help! Your voice, your contributions, your willingness to be a part of this movement are the only way we can make sustainable change.

Thank you and I look forward to evolving with you.

In love and faith,
Candice
www.theorgasmiclife.com
www.candiceholdorfcoaching.com

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #28: Orgasmic Timing

Learn to lean into desire and surrender to orgasmic timing.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #27: Desire Gravitates Towards Pleasure (8 of 9)

Desire gravitates towards pleasure (not to be confused with comfort or craving).

 

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #26: One Day Until Lift-Off!

Just one day until I launch the Indiegogo campaign to raise $20,000 for my book, "From 6 to 9 and Beyond, Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism." Today becomes a good lesson in pressure, self-sabotage and self-care.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #25: Desire is Vocal (7 of 9)

Desire is Vocal #69vlogs69days

Interview on Better Love and Sex Radio Show

Tantra teacher and radio host, Devi Ward, leads the conversation on her show, Better Love and Sex. In this episode, writers Lori Ann Lothian, Greta Garbo and I discuss the prevailing FB climate of censorship of sex positive speech.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/rebelle-sex-and-free-speech!/id657572211?i=162502602&mt=2

Sex, Lies and Consciousness Radio presents: Orgasmic Meditation

Sex, Lies and Consciousness Radio presents: Orgasmic Meditation

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #24: Desire is Dynamic (6 of 9)

Desire is Dynamic

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #23: Desire is Curious (5 of 9)

Desire is curious ‪#‎69vlogs69days‬

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #22: Desire is Innocent (4 of 9)

Desire is Innocent

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #21: Falling is OK

Sometimes allowing ourselves to fall is the best way to motivate us to get back up.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #20: Eroticism and Play

Play and spontaneity are key ingredients for the erotic to flow.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #19: Desire is an Unrelenting 'Yes' (3 of 9)

If you want to get somewhere, you must first say 'yes' to where you are.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #18: Desire and Attention (2 of 9)

Desire isn't worried if it's lipstick is on straight. It has its attention out on the present moment.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #17: What is Desire? (1 of 9)

If orgasm is the gas for your voyage, desire is the GPS system.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #16: Happy Interdependence Day!

Continuously humbled by the power of vulnerability. When I speak what's inside, I feel so much closer to those I love. When I surrender my fierce independence for INTERdependence, I find the sweetest freedom on the other side. Thank you love and life for being my teacher.

SLC Radio: Female to Female Attraction, the Un-Talk About Subject

I had such a fun time on the Sex, Lies and Consciousness Google Hangout sharing my perspective on female-to-female attraction. Thanks Mai, Lori and Steven!

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #15: The Queen Archetype

A true queen rules through the power of surrender, not through tyranny.

Men, You Get To Have Your Feelings, Too

Image Credit: visualpanic/Flickr 

I recently experienced what some would call an emotional breakdown. The hippie, new-age Cali girl in me would prefer to think of it as an emotional breakthrough. But yeah, I had a breakdown.

Anger, unspoken desires, resentment, exhaustion, hunger—all of these conspired to create the perfect storm of matrimonial turbulence.

Until he finally held my shoulders, looked into my eyes and said, “You get to have your feelings.” Finally, the knot I had been gripping with all my arrogance melted. He had touched the sore place where love does not easily flow.


As woman, I want a partner, not a caretaker. A playmate, not a parent. Someone who is already whole, not depending on me to make him whole.

The welling tears spilled forth, and my shaking body, caught in the grip of deep climax, collapsed onto his chest.

I could trust this man because I know that in our relationship, he gets to have his feelings too.

♦◊♦

Men seem to be perpetually caught in a paradoxical mind-fuck which dictates that they must be the impenetrable ‘rock’ in the relationship. He can’t have any feelings or those feelings must take a backseat to his partner’s. This belief, while chivalrous in its roots, cripples intimacy.

The stoic and mysterious Don Draper may certainly be appealing for a night of sensual debauchery, but his relationship track record is pretty wretched.

To me, being a rock doesn’t mean that a man is bulletproof or fixed. A rock is a porous being. It absorbs the water just as much as it meets and holds it.

The rock is meant to symbolize constant presence. What that means is a man stays connected no matter what is swirling within himself or his partner. He remains open and permeable, mirroring his partner with equal amounts of honesty.

Vulnerability is the real strength. Someone willing to say what he feels while holding the space for his partner’s experience requires the utmost courage and willingness to stay firmly rooted in the moment.

When a man is permeable, he is truly feeling his partner and not simply dealing with him/her. The former breeds compassion and trust. The latter usually plays out one of two ways.

In the first, the man may completely detach from the experience. He essentially waits for his partner to ‘get it over with’ before he returns to the present.

In the second, the man may settle into the old game of  ‘son saves mommy’, leaving both parties completely disempowered as neither will take responsibility for his own experience. The focus becomes on finding someone to ‘fix’ and not on sharing experience authentically.

As woman, I want a partner, not a caretaker. A playmate, not a parent. Someone who is already whole, not depending on me to make him whole. When a man is in alignment and approval of his own inherent femininity, it opens the door for total, embodied masculinity (which is pretty damn irresistible).

So men, release the ‘handle-the-problem’ mindset and allow yourself to be penetrated. Your willingness to have your feelings allows me the freedom to share mine.

Open your heart. Ground into your cock. Breathe. Let your commitment to stay present remain unwavering and speak your truth. That is the real rock we are calling forth from you.

Article adapted from its original appearance via The Good Men Project

To Meat or Not to Meat: A Recovering Anorexic Contemplates Going Veg (Again)

“We need another and a wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals. Remote from universal nature, and living by complicated artifice, man in civilization surveys the creature through the glass of his knowledge and sees thereby a feather magnified and the whole image in distortion. We patronize them for their incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves. And therein we err, and greatly err. For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours, they are more finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other Nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendor and travail of the earth” ~ Henry Beston

I was a vegetarian for eight and a half years. Until I wasn’t.

During those years I was anorexic—then I decided I didn’t want to be anymore.

It’s been four and half years since I introduced meat back into my diet. I started with the big guns: the hamburger. Red meat (insert bloodcurdling scream here).  Then chicken. Then sushi. I wanted to face my fear of meat-eating and fat-gaining in order to disprove all the twisted theories I had about food and my body.

I also chose to eat meat because I hadn’t had my period for two and a half years. My acupuncturist “prescribed” it for me to get the iron and other minerals my nutrient-deficient blood so desperately needed.

In these recent years, I ate meat pretty much without a problem. I gained weight, my menstrual cycle returned and I started sleeping better. Over time, the desire for red meat naturally waned until all I was eating was white chicken and fish.

All that changes when I went to a recent meditation retreat. While sitting, I had the experience of deeply connecting to birds. As freaky as it may sound, I felt the angry and agonizing spirit of the animals and how disconnected we have become to them.

We “build” animals now like we make cars in a factory.

We view them as objects for our consumption. They are “other.” Not like us. We have forgotten that they too carry the mystery of life inside their bodies.

Of course, there are cultures where an animal’s sacrifice is honored and where the continuation of life depends on the gift the animal brings. But in these cultures, animals are not overbred and tortured simply for our own selfish needs.  These people take what they need in utmost gratitude and leave the rest be.

I struggled in silence as I sat with the realization of the horrors of factory farming. Birds injected with hormones until they are too fat for their brittle skeletal systems. Chickens confined to only 67 inches of cage space. Fish piled on top of each other in vats of their own excrement. Geese force-fed so we may extract their precious ‘fatty livers.’ Thousands of sharks pulled from the ocean and killed simply for a single fin, the ultimate ‘status food.’

Even animal products listed as ‘free-range,’ ‘organic,’ or ‘hormone-free’ are not exempt. Though they may not use any pesticides or hormones, many farmers still keep the animals in squalid conditions, burn or cut off their wings, feet and beaks and overstuff them with GMO-filled feed (or starve them so they will molt faster).

I recalled how much of the world’s resources goes into maintaining animal farms and noted that if we put those resources into renewable energy and non-meat based foods, world hunger and global warming might not be an issue.

I felt sick. Even as I sat with the arguments for meat consumption like getting enough B12 or we are naturally-born omnivores or animals “just taste good,” I knew inside my body, I could not eat the same way.

The next day, I pulled out my organic, free-range turkey slices. I put one in my mouth. I started to chew. Slowly and with very little pleasure. I had a second. And then I felt sick. My stomach rolled over and I couldn’t bear it anymore.

I haven’t touched meat since.

That was three months ago. In that interim, I’ve struggled with two sides of my conscience. One is obviously the newfound compassion towards animals, as I described above.

But the other is just as powerful: how I honest am I being with myself and my relationship to food? I have a fear that this pull towards vegetarianism is the first step on a ‘slippery slope’ back to anorexic thinking. One plagued by guilt and devoid of pleasure. I remember family dinners or parties where I knew meat was being served and lived in fear that people would discover my secret: that I was desperately hungry despite my cool exterior as I passed the plate.

The excuse was simple: “Health reasons.”

(Side note: please know that I am not insinuating that people who are vegetarian have eating disorders—this is simply how the disease showed up for me).

I want to feel alive and energized in my body. I want total vitality and orgasmic living. And eating meat was a huge part in helping me face my fears and reclaim my power.

Honestly, I don’t harbor any judgments about other people who eat meat. My husband eats meat and I love him just the same. How we live our lives and what we choose to put into our bodies is a very personal journey. One must go deep inside one’s moral, ethical and spiritual codes and discover what is right for her.

My goal in sharing my struggle isn’t to shame anyone for liking what she likes, nor to suggest that only one way of eating is the ‘right.’ Perhaps it is less about the fact that we eat meat and more the how we do it (often unconsciously and in a way that uses food as a buffer from feeling our emotions).

What I do want to do is foster a dialogue around our cultural relationship with food, animals, consumption, compassion and perhaps find solutions with how we can get in right alignment with what is loving and sustainable, both as a society and as individuals.

For me individually, that means abstaining from meat in this moment and continuing my inquiry into the nexus of spirituality, pleasure and nourishment.

And we continue to rapidly evolve, technologically and globally, as a culture and species, we must ensure that we do not lose our humanity and connection to each other along the way. We are unique in that we have the intelligence and cognitive capacity to choose how we’d like to evolve; which is what makes the following quote that much more potent and pressing:

“Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet” ~ Albert Einstein

Special thanks to my dear friend, August Schulenburg, for inspiring me to post this article.

Article adapted from its original appearance on elephantjournal.com

Pornography vs. Erotic Voyeurism

Image Credit: BaronBrian/Flickr

“Suspense is like a woman. The more left to the imagination, the more the excitement.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Let’s be honest: like it or hate it, pornography is not going away any time soon.

It is estimated that the porn industry brings in $13 billion in the US alone and nearly $100 billion worldwide.

With accessibility going up (thanks to the internet) along with demand (thanks to a growing population and the sharp increase in women and couples who download porn), those numbers are expected to rise.

For those who have had porn addiction or who have been lovers with someone who was addicted, this can seem devastating. Men who regularly masturbate alone with porn are more likely to have problems connecting with a partner, either through premature ejaculation, impotence or an inability to feel emotionally connected with him/her.

Of course to completely demonize porn or attempt to ban it is not the answer either. This “sexual prohibition” will only amplify the cultural embarrassment we already feel around sex, and relegate the production of porn to an even seedier caste of society (is it any coincidence that I can download “Hot Chicks, Small Tits 4” on the same website where I can search for my mail-order Russian bride?). The fact that adult film stars are being denied bank accounts does not represent that porn stars are wrong for doing what they do, but highlights the social stigma around sexual pleasure and our collective fear that someone will “discover” our dirty fantasies.

I think it’s vital that we have a candid discussion around pornography, if nothing else than to get everyone out of the shame closet and admit that we all watch it!

Porn has affected many people’s lives positively. For some, it was the first place they saw people enjoying sex. That can be especially liberating for women, who may have grown up with the notion that sex is something they were obligated to do for men’s pleasure.

Porn can also be educational and shine an approving light on taboos. A man who previously felt that anal sex was not for him, may discover a hidden turn-on when he sees another man taking it from behind (and liking it!).

Finally porn can just be fun and provide the much needed playfulness and variety many couples need in longer-term relationships.

♦◊♦

I feel that porn limits us when we view it as the ultimate authority on sexuality. For those whose only sex education is pornography, sex must equal a penis entering a vagina, a big-busted women screaming as if she’s in the midst of an apoplectic attack, an impossibly endowed men pounding her like a jackhammer and both of them cumming (hard) at the same time, preferably with jiz everywhere (especially on her face).

Porn can also hinder the sexual maturity of men, as they become trained (á la Pavlov’s dogs) to lump orgasm, climax and ejaculation into one act. In reality, all three are separate physical phenomena and can be experienced independently.

Where our relationship to porn becomes especially devastating is when we confuse the business of pornography with authentic sexuality. Porn is built on filling people for the moment, but for the most part is nutritionally deficient. Sort of like the McDonald’s version of sex. Yet, even though we feel a little bloated from it all, we still have an innate hunger (addiction) to consume more. And that’s how most businesses work: in creating a product that people need over and over again.

Therefore sex becomes a commodity. A thing to be possessed. A trophy to be won. And many people who make porn don’t even care if you watch it, as long as you pay for the privilege of possessing it. Fast forward to the end. Grab it, spank it and go on to the next one.

◊♦◊

The antidote to sexual consumerism is something I like to call “Erotic Voyeurism.” In Platonic philosophy, “eros” (the root word for “erotic”) is defined as a kind of love that is a fundamental creative impulse with a sensual element.

I am especially fond of this definition because I believe it provides the extra sexual nutrition that is often lacking in pornography: a way of interacting with visual stimulation and orgasm that is about building energy and utilizing it towards creativity (as opposed to the “jerk it out as fast as possible” approach to which porn often caters).

I recently discovered a brilliant example of erotic voyeurism in Clayton Cubitt’s video art series, Hysterical Literature. In each video, a woman reads an erotic passage from literature while she is genitally stimulated with a vibrator under a table. The results are hilarious, sexy, intriguing, intelligent and, yes, super fucking hot.

We see each woman as a human, rather than a thing. We are invited into her world, rather than trying to stuff her into ours. We ride the wave of her authentic turn-on, which can go from nonchalance to surprise to slight embarrassment to delicious agony to ecstasy to joy to relief. We feel what she is feeling, which fosters empathy and compassion.

We also don’t see any nudity in Hysterical Literature. Because so much is left to the imagination the mind is invited to play and create. Oftentimes, in conventional pornography, we can feel desensitized to what is happening and crave bigger “hits” off the climax crack pipe because of porn’s intensely graphic nature. While this SEX-sationalism, may make for rousing entertainment once in a while, overuse can deaden the subtlety of our sexual palates.

Another site I found that exemplifies erotic voyeurism is called “Gentlemen Handling.” Here, men share with the viewer their own personal style and taste of self-pleasure. The site aims to share the “human-ness” of each of its contributors in a way that is “honest, attentive and reverent.” And although this site still focuses on climax, I appreciate the vulnerability, inspiration and diversity of masculine expression.

This is not to say that we can’t approach conventional porn with an erotic eye. I saw a recent interview on Sex, Lies and Consciousness where a young man said that when he watches porn he likes to see what emotions arise and feel them. Shame, inadequacy, connection, curiosity, horniness — all of it is valuable inquiry to him. I though this was a marvelous and mature way to explore one’s relationship with sex.

Below are ten comparisons of porn versus erotic voyeurism. Of course, not all porn is the same (as evidenced by the rise in feminist porn), and ultimately, it’s never about what’s on the screen, but about our mindset and the level of consciousness with which we engage it.

However, like food, some sexual “meals” offer more nutrition than others. And while a “Big Mac” fuck can be fun every once in a while, it’s important to balance that with a sexuality that is nourishing and fulfilling.

1. Porn tends to tell us what is sexy. Erotic voyeurism asks us “What is sexy?”
2. Porn tends to numb ourselves from the present. Erotic voyeurism brings us right into the center of the moment.
3. Porn often disconnects us from seeing the humanity of the people. Erotic voyeurism is a breeding ground for sensual compassion.
4. Porn thrives on consumption. Erotic voyeurism demands participation.
5. Porn relies on scripts and formulas. Erotic voyeurism is spontaneous and unpredictable.
6. In porn, it’s usually about the money shot. In erotic voyeurism, it’s about the connection.
7. Porn is fictionalized entertainment. Erotic voyeurism invites out our personal truth.
8. Porn often feels like one big clanging note. Erotic voyeurism is a multi-textured symphony of surprises.
9. Porn tends to focus on stimulating the genitals. Erotic voyeurism stimulates our entire being: mind, heart, soul and genitals.
10. 10.  Porn rushes towards climax. Erotic voyeurism savors lingering in the uncomfortable tension between wanting and having.

Article adapted from its original appearance on The Good Men Project

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #14: Happy Birthday Beloved!

Today's vlog is a simple "I love you" and "Happy birthday" to my Beloved husband.

 

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #13: The Warrior Archetype

Even though we think of a Warrior as a masculine archetype, women definitely carry the Warrior in them. The Warrior allows us to set boundaries, to mercilessly cut relationships and ways of being that no longer serve us and to use our erotic energy in the focused pursuit of our divine mission.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days. #12: The Grand-Mother Archetype

The Grand-Mother uses her erotic power to create life as well as destroy anything that stands in the way of life flourishing.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #11: The Nun Archetype

The Nun may not seem like an obvious archetype for a book on eroticism. However, when she uses her prayer to channel the grace of humanity through her body, that can be quite an erotic experience.