Thursday, March 13, 2014

Why I Don’t Fuck Spiritual Guys


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I like fucking all kinds of people.

But when it comes to “spiritual guys,” I just can’t fuck ‘em. Or, more precisely, they can’t fuck me.
It’s not that I don’t fuck spiritual guys from lack of wanting. I don’t fuck spiritual guys because they don’t know how and aren’t willing to be fucked themselves.

Let's not confuse a "spiritual guy" with a mature, fully integrated spiritual man; so I'll define what I mean by “spiritual guy.”
It has little to do with whether or not he believes in God and a lot more to do with what he thinks about his own humanity. Many “spiritual guys” come with a belief that they are “better than” their physical selves and should “rise above” their baser instincts.
I often see this kind of man in “conscious communities.” He’s all about being “heart-centered” and having “slow, tantric sex.” He walks around with a glassy stare, never gets angry, talks in a creepy whisper and greets every hot woman he meets with the ubiquitous “spiritual guy” pick-up line, “Namaste.”
He professes that money is evil, believes that commitment robs him of his enlightenment and prefers eye-gazing over hair-pulling. He is a participant in a kind of “spiritual sexism” that we often see in “conscious communities,” i.e. reaching for the ethereal stillness (masculine) while rejecting the material chaos (feminine).
While I have nothing against heart-centeredness and eye-gazing, a man who prioritizes “higher” virtues ends up disconnecting himself from his lower three chakras and committing the equivalent of energetic castration.
Imagine a car with no engine or gas. No matter how “loving,” “nice” and “sweet” it looks on the outside, without the raw material to fuel it, the car won’t run.
However “spiritual guys,” tend to demonize and negate their own “fuel.” Then they use the name of tantra as a tool to bypass the “nasty” work of being human and try to get laid by pretending that their cocks have magical, healing “spiritual” powers.

Traditional tantra teachings believe that everything is fuel for awakening. Looking at tantra from an etymological perspective, tan means expansion and tra means liberation. (UPDATE: A Sanskrit scholar has informed me that tra is actually closer to the word "means;" so tantra is literally "a means of expansion").

So rather than excluding and rejecting the coarser parts of ourselves, we expand and liberate ourselves through alchemy, converting megalomania (third chakra), lust (second chakra) and anger (first chakra) into purpose, desire and power, respectively.
In order for a man to fuck, he himself must be willing to be soul-fucked by Spirit. He must fall on the ground in love with surrender. He must expose and accept every part of himself while in connection with his partner. Only then can he hold a woman in total presence and approval of everything she throws at him. The combination of compassion and animal-power is what pins a woman down and penetrates her to her aching core.
To be fair, a more “worldly” man in our society, i.e. one who is open in the lower chakras and closed in the upper, cannot truly fuck either. His lack of emotional connection, unwillingness to speak vulnerably and dependency on linear scripts of relating prevent him from deeply feeling a woman and earning her trust. His material merits may win him points in the immediate “pick-up” game, but he will lose out in the long-term.
Not to say that every sexual encounter needs to be a step towards a long-term relationship. This is where we women often to lie about their own desire, using the old excuse “I’m waiting for “the one” as a shield against feeling the magnitude of animal hunger that lives within us.
The feminine fable about “the one” is what makes men more apt to don the “spiritual guy” mask. He thinks if he acts humble and nice and safe and “conscious,” he can win the prize (her pussy). But ultimately he is cheating himself (and women) of an opportunity for awakening.
By acknowledging our shame, rage, greed, lust, victimhood, hatred and addictions, we get to know and love the human parts of ourselves and learn to work with these pieces as allies, rather than having these shadow bits secretly run the show and hijack our power.
When we courageously allow our soul-fucked selves to show up sexually, it invites the people we love to expose their blessed and wounded parts and sets the stage for trust, connection and intimacy. Then we come to know the true essence of tantra: that there really is no separation and that everything—divinity, humanity, ordinary, mystery, light, dark, earth, heaven—is a vital and necessary ingredient on the spiritual path.
Article adapted from its original appearance in Corset Magazine
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And just so we don't forget to have a sense of humor
about this whole crazy journey called life ;)

57 comments:

  1. Amen. And now, let's fuck while we eye-gaze in the darkest corners of our bright souls.

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    1. haha...glad to see you still have your sense of humor ;) thanks for reading!

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  2. Haha :) I loved reading this! Very true and beautifully written.Your clarity and rawness actually turned me on... Thank you... De'an..x

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    1. Thanks for reading and for being honest. Your turn on fuels mine ;)

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  3. Excellent - short, pointed, no holds barred. Many thanks!

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  4. This is easily one of the most fuckable posts I've run into. And great links too.

    Best of luck avoiding the posers.

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    1. Haha...glad you enjoyed it :) thanks for reading!

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  5. A lot of generalizations here, but I agree with the general point. Us spiritual guys may claim we have "moved beyond" some animalistic natures, at times. The idea of enlightenment seems to come with a focus from the physical to the spiritual. There is a practical side to intercourse: procreation. In Zen Buddhism, the desire to take any sort of action can be seen as being based upon an insecurity (lack of homeostasis, which requires a correcting action), and further into it, desire itself leads to suffering, so I imagine that someone with that level of contentment can be seen as a bit boring.

    However, there is someone for everyone. I am a spiritual, generally non-sexual type, but once in a while I meet someone who is my type, or who turns me on for whatever reason, and sparks can fly. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. For some of us, sex can be a very spiritual experience, and we want to share it with someone who is on our level, and in today's world, it may seem like these people are few and far between. Everyone has different turn-ons; for me, shallow, carnal women aren't one of them.

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    1. Generalizations for sure (only so much one can write in an article), but I wanted to address the comment "for some of us sex can be a very spiritual experience." I feel like you are implying that it is not a spiritual experience for me. It very much is--I simply think my definition of spiritual has a much broader range than most people think. Anger, tears and carnal lust--along with ethereal stillness--are all expressions of spirit to me. There is simply space for all of it. And yes, we all have our preferences and flavors and that's great! That's what makes us fascinatingly unique beings!

      Also, I don't think just because someone is feeling carnality that they are shallow. The difference for me is PRESENCE--and sometimes people use carnality to avoid presence. But on the same token, some people (spiritual guys) can use "reaching for the light" as a way to avoid presence.

      To me a true spiritual man/warrior/woman connects to it all and stays present with it all--regardless of how it may look.

      Again, thank you for your thoughtful comment and perspective. Blessings!

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    2. Anthony Costa, thank you for reminding me of some of the points in which "Zen Buddhism" achieves absolute evil by dehumanizing your 'person' by demonizing parts of its nature. Also, I would like to remind you that "procreation" isn't the only practical side to intercourse, unless a spiritual person like yourself still inversely and subconsciously believes that the core purpose of humankind (at both the individual and collective level) is to meaninglessly (and purely physically) multiply in numbers.

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    3. The same alluded qualities in sensitive new age guys, I see in woman today. To add a fairer generalization, both genders are fucked up by giving to much thought to thought,,,, mind stuff, e.g the head rules heart and body and yeh a lack of feeling is the result.

      I'm both a sensitive guy and wild passionate lover. One or both can be present. And conscious communities or spiritual folk does not only equate to being disembodied. But hey I hear that's your experience. I just find it interesting an edge that comes in what you have written. The fire in it doesn't come across only as passionate choice and wisdom, but seemingly laced with an element of venting, but hey that's just what I got from the read.
      All respect though for your courage to just put it out. I like that.
      Namaste............ truth is I haven't used that in a long time :-)

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    4. There's no denying that women have their own version of this too. That's just not the article I've written. Thanks for reading!

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    5. You've got my attention, lady.

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    6. love is the force of nature brought to life. Accessing this love via the form of physicality...with a partner you trust...is the point. Not just to make babies. It's more..and you're right..you're talking about seeing women a certain way. that is your sight, not the reality. Anyways, making love with someone is one of the most powerful things one can do...it's a generation of power...and so would behoove one to access it. This power was given to us for a reason..one humanity just hasn't figured out yet...mainly cause i think men the gender has had dominion. That i believe is changing..a white male society from it emerging a new feminine society..one that will bring us to evolution.

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    7. Moving from a masculine-dominated culture to a more feminine-oriented culture could explain the 'spiritual guy' phenomenon. In the collective transition to become more empathic and compassionate, some men have lost track of their balls. I would never trust a guy who denounces money for that matter. In fact, I would even say that a man's relationship with his money tells a lot about his character and level of maturity.

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  6. that is so true, so hilarious and so amazingly well explained and written! thank you so much Candice totally enjoyed!

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  7. Thanks for helping the flow of love and truth thru this great article! Beautiful, powerful, truthful, sexy, spiritual, inspiring!

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  8. Absolutely! Finally someone said what I've been thinking for a long time but couldn't put into words. Well written. Good for you!! :-)

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    1. So happy the piece resonated! Blessings to you dear sister!

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  9. you say spiritual guys, but what you mean is guys who are attempting at being spiritual but aren't quite there, or don't understand the true meaning of being spiritual, which would mean they shouldn't be labeled as "spiritual guys." there are spiritual guys who embrace all their chakras, all of their self, and are truly present. to generalize that all spiritual guys don't embody this is a very vague misconception. you're writing off all spiritual types based on not experiencing(or fucking) any that have a true grasp on spirituality. your basically saying that spiritual guys don't fuck well because they aren't actually spiritual guys. I know it makes for a better headline to say "why I don't fuck spiritual guys," but maybe the truth would be something more like "people who attempt a spiritual life by ignoring their bottom three chakras, not accepting their self, and reaching for the light instead of staying present, are missing the point of a spiritual life and I do not enjoy fucking them."

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    1. I totally get how it can seem like semantically I am negating anyone who claims to be on a spiritual path. That's why I started the piece off with my own definition of "spiritual guy." However, the person to which you refer is what I call a spiritually integrated man. He is a mature version of the spiritual guy. And for the record, I have fucked THAT person--that's why I married him ;)

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  10. I am impressed a woman can see through this spiritual fluff being played out these days.

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    1. I think many do. We are just afraid to admit it because we want to come across as "nice" and not wound a man's ego. The problem is we end up cheating ourselves and the one's we love of an opportunity to awaken and integrate.

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  11. Thank you for this article. It touches me pretty deep, as someone who has been in this spiritual guy mode and trying to get my feet planted firmly and satisfyingly in the dirt. On the surface, I have not overwhelmingly been the guy you describe, but it resonates with how I've felt on the inside, how my life has gone, how my lovers have felt. It hurts a bit to read this, but not in a bad way. I like reading something that provokes a strong reaction in me.

    Stepping out of this detached role and fully into myself has not been very easy. Mentally speaking, I abandoned the negative aspects of this spiritual guy archetype, as you describe it, over a decade ago, but truly integrating myself has been a serious challenge. Time and time again I feel like I have rounded the corner and finally opened myself up, only to run right into a cliff. That is, feeling like I have finally opened up to it all, only to realize I am still not fully embracing myself, forgiving myself and feeling the consequences, feeling the rich current of life in the form of . Discouraging, but I go deeper and deeper into myself. Each time I learn more. It's excruciating, but its thorough and, in the end, it's simply the way this needs to happen for me.

    I am in the aftermath of a horrible break-up right now, and what you describe actually provides me with a good perspective on what was going on. It was, of course, not just about me, but what you describe plays into what parts of it were about me, very well.

    You would think that another article pointing out to me what is problematic for me, what I am doing to sabotage myself and my relationships, would be disheartening, but this is not. I see that you are writing from a place of sincerity and a desire to share your insight for the sake of real understanding. You jab a little bit at this image, but I sense no real resentment, just awareness. This is deconstruction for the sake of change. Thank you for that. You have been very, very clear about something that almost everyone else has been very murky about. Ultimately, it is this kind of distilled truth and not flattery that someone doing the work I am doing needs to hear. I'm inspired to continue, and I look forward to reading more from you.

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    1. Darling, your words touch me deeply. You seem to be the true embodiment of the spiritual warrior on the road to his own version of awakened and integrated masculinity. It's not an easy journey. We don't have very many models of it. I applaud and support you in your growth. Blessings dear.

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    2. Dear Joe, the deeper we go, the further we'll grow, eh brother!
      And amen, to most of your above. Succinct & simple - it simply doesn't come any better xo

      Et tu Candice :)

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  12. When I was young my sexual passion was unbridled but lack of experience and self consciousness got in the way. As I grew older religious indoctrination etc. caused imbalance. With that out the way, learning that there is no right or wrong, though doing everything with love, sex has gone stratospheric. Now at the age of 58, with a spiritual heart my sex life is incredible. The desire to improve all aspects of oneself and embrace the physical enables amazing understanding and ecstacy which keeps getting better and better. (For those who are wondering, I'm a man :)

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    1. So happy you have found an embodied and integrated place for your sex and spirit to merge. Blessings!

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  13. This is a really intresting discussion. I am sure that if there is two people who want to be open and find a new way of making love, they don´t have to think they are spiritual or not. They find an energy which is beyond their own and can find a lot of spiritual fruits. We always get lost with words and I know you have to use some which make people curious enough to start reading. I enjoyed reading this and you have many fresh points of view. Have a nice (sexual) life!

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    1. Really glad you enjoy it. Yes, my desire is to expand the view of what we think as "spiritual" to incorporate whatever is happening in the moment. Have a nice (sexual) life as well!

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  14. I would re-title this to have "spiritual" in quotes, to imply it's tongue and cheek, otherwise it implies that men on a spiritual path are to be avoided.

    It's interesting because the some western people's view on the chakras is positively Christian and post-colonial. The upper chakras are seen as the route to paradise whereas the lower ones are seen as sinful, carnal, and worthy of throw-away; but that's not how the chakras work, and they function holistically.

    Someone who is really seeking a strong upper chakra experience must, by necessity, have a connection with the lower three. The root can be summarized as "as below, so above", the sacral is the lower creative (the throat being the higher), and the solar plexus is the centre of personal power. The upper chakras relate to the abstract realms... without the rootedness of the lower three chakras, you will be sucked into a world of illusion, and I believe that is the deeper meaning behind this article.

    The upper chakras get stronger when the lower are engaged, and vice versa. It's one whole system. It's like saying you'd rather focus on your brain and ignore your stomach, or your kidneys. How can you do that without undermining the whole system?

    As a vata who has a natural inclination for the upper chakras, I originally found sex and physical intimacy to be incredibly awkward and foreign. It has taken a long time to integrate the virtues of grounding and present embodiment. So, I think these "spiritual guys" who are pretending to be so upper chakra actually are lower chakra because the simple DESIRE to always be upper is originating in the lower. Someone who is naturally upper chakra is already ethereal and is probably struggling to deal with the material world, without pretending, and they are just as imbalanced as someone who is purely lower chakra.

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    1. Sounds like you have had a powerful journey. Yes, see the quote "Let's not confuse a "spiritual guy" with a mature, fully integrated spiritual man; so I'll define what I mean by “spiritual guy.”" I think this clarifies the distinction you are talking about. Blessings!

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    2. Thanks Healer for extending this point.

      I write this comment with an inflamed ego, a desire to be right, a knowledge that I know nothing, a disappointment for my persistence to do this and a peace that knows that time is infinite and all things will pass.

      Now, all that being said, I like this article a lot in that I believe Candice has the intention to shock the "spiritual guy" reading this out of a "developmental stage" she has observed to be prevalent today, which despite intentions to be pure, is still naively driven by the ego. (Osho uses this technique effectively also.) So thanks for the scintillating kick in the second chakra.

      Yes I agree and practice the idea that we cannot be fully integrated by neglecting the the lower power centres. We are human. We are individuals. We have autonomy and Egos. So hear us roar and if your my neighbour, hear me fuck. But let us fuck with our heart and feet and head and the universe in our minds... If ya catch my celestial slang.

      My only point I'd like to add to the world is that we could remember love more often as we witness others progressions (so long as they aren't becoming spiritual sleezebags.) I think we are all born with different strengths and weaknesses orientated around different charkas. Perhaps our life purpose is to (re)connect with each centre deeply, find the blocks and activate each centre so as to become fully articulated humans. However, I propose that there is no set order to this. And I think the "spiritual guy" is on the right track, but like many of us, just not there yet.

      I hope we can all have patience for each other as we all progress, because, really we are all in this together. Thanks for the article. And the refresher as to how far this "spiritual guy" has come. Bless your enlightened hynie. x

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  15. Candace,

    I did not like this piece. I believe that life is a journey. People are always progressing. You have decided to say that there are Men - Spiritual Men and then Integrated Spiritual Men (Mature). You take exception to spiritual men and their approach to love and sex. Like you, I have many opinions on people and their awareness and ability to contribute to the world, frequency and harmony I want to live in.

    However, if someone is at point A....trying to get to point B - and along the way you shame that person, stereotype them, create a set of judging rules about them... aren't you really mocking them on their journey? Like you, I don't like to fuck someone who isn't vibing with the world how I see it, but I don't make an effort to characterize them .... I'd rather live my life with love and talk about the great sex I had with someone who has a deeper awareness and frequency... and shine my life like a light to draw others towards all they can be, rather than lock someone in place based on harsh judgement. Just didn't hit home for me...and kinda bummed me out. I am sure your intention was pure... but just really... felt - disjointed, because inspiring people ...always seems so much more authentic than knocking people down during their journey. Maybe I am missing something, I hold space for that. With Good Intentions -- D

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    1. Hello dear,

      I'm sorry that the piece didn't work for you. In fact, I feel pain and compassion in your words. I honor that.

      Where I am coming from is a Kali/Warrior standpoint. I am speaking against the hypocrisy I see and I do it not to denigrate someones truth but to FREE them from falsehood. And sometimes you must use a sword in order to cut through the crap.

      And yes, I bring humor to my words. My intention is to remember to take it all lightly. I think laughing at ourselves (for I do see myself in these men as well) is the best way to keep on living.

      You are totally right. We are all on the journey. I'll be the first one to admit that I have a shit load of shadows I am learning to feel and love. AND I am someone who welcomes feedback--as harsh as it may be--as long as it comes for the benefit of all.

      You are welcome to disagree with the post. If nothing struck you as true, then that's fine. Let it go. I appreciate that you identify me as an "inspiring person." Sometimes my brand of inspiration just may be hard to swallow. Blessings on your journey.

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    2. Candice,

      I think I understand much better now and it makes more sense. Thank you for taking the time to go deeper and explain, so I could grow and evolve. You taking time out to teach while honoring and seeing me - was healing in itself in a way that means a lot.

      Thank You.

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  16. Very fun article. I've turned away from Eastern religions in recent years after finding a shamanistic path that is bringing about some deep healing. Much of the article rings true from what I've discovered in myself. I don't invalidate all of the good that comes from the Eastern perspective but there is sometimes a bit of a belief that we have to rise above our animal lusts and other desires to find that elusive enlightenment which probably doesn't exist. The path exists but the perpetual state of nirvana that is often eluded to may be a bit like the Christian heaven, a mythical reward for living well. I think the opposite may be true, the ancestors seem to rejoice when we explore it all, our lusts and animal drives along with an open heart. I don't believe we're supposed to rise above who and what we are in this incarnation. For full physical and emotional health, all of the chakras should be opened and balanced, they are equally important. Our root chakra is as important as our heart or third eye. Detaching from these desires, not allowing them to control us is a very beneficial goal and Buddhism and Hinduism make that clear but when we're in the moment, it's a celebration of all that makes us human. The flesh we live in presents an amazing opportunity for spiritual exploration, it's not something to rise above. The ego is the only thing in the way.

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    1. I love your celebration of life and your desire to integrate and love the ego, rather than kill it. We couldn't survive our human existence without it! We'd be all wallowing in the oneness. And enlightenment philosophy has its place. For someone caught in the maya of the world, it's a great way to help them capture a glimpse of a different reality. But we've got to get back to earth and walk awake within the dream (as Jed McKenna would say).

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  17. Hi Candice this is Canada's Dr Luv and I am very proud of you! This article needed to be written by a woman to help "spiritual men" wake up and smell the sexy side of life. PS. I am the inventor of Syncrohearts Love Game, Love App, and author of "Dr Love's Prescription for a Romantic Loving Man". Hope to connect one day!

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    1. Glad you liked the piece! Blessings on your journey!

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  18. I've enjoyed reading the article and all the comments, very insightful. I would just like chime in a little from my own personal experience. There was a time when I was staying at an ashram for a couple months and was meditating up to 5 hours a day. I'm not sure exactly how all the chakras are supposed to work together in relation to each other, but in this type of mediation the goal is to withdraw all our sensory currents to the third eye, and keep our attention fixed there. If the mind is able to keep still, awareness of the body is completely gone, and some inner experiences can be had. One thing I noticed during that time is that I had no sexual desires, even though there were some very attractive women staying at the ashram, and I would chat with them often. I was never suppressing any sort of urges, and after 2 months of zero sexual activity, I had mental clarity like I've never had before, and I required very little sleep. I felt so good! But when I came home and picked up my normal life again and fell into my old habits, and not putting in enough time for meditation, very quickly the sexual urges came back with a vengeance. I attempted to suppress them because I loved how I was feeling, but in the end I couldn't hold out, and started up again either with myself, or with a partner. I found that my concentration and energy levels dropped a great deal after that, and my over well being has diminished. Based on that experience, I'm convinced that it if our attention is always on the third eye, the lower chakras automatically go into a sort of "stand by" mode. It's not that we are depriving ourselves of anything, it just becomes a non issue naturally. Honestly, if I could always feel the way I felt during my time at the ashram, I would gladly give up sex for life....but only if I wasn't forcing myself to give it up, that it would happen again of its own accord.

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    1. I'm happy you connected with the piece. Sounds like you have had an amazing journey--and are still learning with work with your sexual energy. Yes, it's a powerful thing and there have been times when I wish I could just cut myself off from it as well. I see you moving deeper though. Still yearning to live in the everyday world and finding your own version of stillness and integration. Thank you for doing the deeper work. Blessings!

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    2. Thanks for the reply....it's refreshing to see an author reply to all comments very thoughtfully. :)

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  19. Wow - what a wonderful article that straightaway hits the nail on the (dick)head!

    People usually talk mention the body, head and heart as faculties to be integrated (that is a loose statement because they are not really separate faculties in a deeper sense) to achieve what Ken Wilber called centauric awareness and functioning. To those three I will add 'loins' which in the beginning needs to be treated separately, and later integrated into the 'One Sense' of reality perception.

    If that does not happen, all sorts of spiritual bypassing surfaces. Sri Aurobindo calls it Lower Sattvic, where the superego tried to foist its superiority on the id.

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    1. So happy you enjoyed the piece. Interesting to add "loins" into the mix. I guess so many people distance them from their own bodies that they must make a special mention as well!

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  20. An interesting read. Thanks. I liken your description of "spiritual guy" as someone who parrots what he thinks he wants, Certainly women do this as well.
    I have met so many people who try to live a life they see as 'cool' or 'enlightened'. While they may start out with a certain honesty in this direction, it becomes about them.
    Finding our individual authentic truth can be difficult.
    Finding someone who can connect sexually and on all levels actually equally hard. Thanks for the insight.

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    1. Glad to hear the piece resonated. Yes, not an easy journey, but one that is ultimately the most rewarding. Blessings!

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  21. I caught your follow-up article to this one and decided to backtrack a bit.
    This is truthful and hilarious. I think I might have become one of those "spiritual guys" full on, had I not been f*ed into submision by a few carnal, sexually powerful women. They saved me from my "enlightened" sexuality.
    Now that I've gotten past the delusion, I see it just as you suggest... it is all grist for the mill, and there is no "superior way". It is all tantra.

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