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| Photo by SimplyAbbey |
You don’t want to be around me right now.
My body feels heavy, full and
thick. I’m exhausted. Every nerve is raw and exposed. I’m prone to burst into
tears at any moment and if you question what I do in any way (even if it’s just
the way I make coffee), I might be tempted to throw a French Press at your
head.
Another typical day in the world
of a pre-menstrual woman, right?
Well, not quite. It’s another
typical day in the world of a woman whose
orgasm is out of alignment (to clarify, when I say ‘orgasm’, I don’t mean
‘sexual climax’, but the electrical driving force that is always coursing
through your body). What we call ‘PMS’ is actually the result of stuck orgasmic
energy building in the uterus—the seat of sexual expression, unconscious desire
and creativity (a.k.a Second Chakra). Acupuncturists call this chi stagnation. In orgasmic terms, we
call this tumescence.
The basic definition of tumescence is ‘swelling’ and to be tumesced is to experience this
kind of energetic swelling. It’s a neutral state—neither good nor bad—and anyone
can experience it, though it is significantly prominent in women just before
their periods. In the case of PMS, the swelling of orgasm will continue to accumulate
and most women will experience symptoms of heaviness, discomfort and lethargy
unless a) the orgasm is expelled or b) the container (your body) that is
holding the orgasm itself expands.
Most of us are pros at Option A.
We cry, we get angry, we cram our faces with sugar, we go impulse shopping or we
have lots of hard fucking—thereby alleviating the pressure in the moment, but failing
to address the underlying issue. These methods tend to decrease your ability to
feel rather than increase it. We become masters of energetic anaesthetization and
lose the opportunity to utilize the extra orgasm.
Then there’s Option B. In
connecting to my orgasm through Orgasmic
Meditation (a.k.a. OM, a simple, two-person sexuality practice where one
person strokes the genitals of another and focuses at the point of connection),
I put my full attention on the sensations in my body, learn to approve of what
arises and ultimately create space for that energy, which can then be used as
fuel for my desire.
Let’s say you’re a guitar player,
your body is the instrument and the strings are your orgasm. The guitar is out
of tune. What do you do? You don’t yell at the strings (anger), blame yourself
(crying), avoid the strings (shopping/eating) or bang them really loud and hard
(fucking). You slow down, pluck each one, listen to the vibration and turn the
peg until the sound created is in alignment with the desired note.
If it’s that simple, why do we
run away from tuning our orgasm?
One of the biggest reasons is
shame. Our genitals, one of the most sensitive and highly electrical parts of
the body, are laden with social conditioning, fear and unexpressed desire,
which trap orgasm inside us. This orgasm eventually rots and putrefies into
what we call ‘shame.’ To desire is selfish. To be hungry is weak. To feast is
morally unclean. So we pack all that energy into numbed-out, but highly
explosive, pockets on our clit. It’s no wonder we shy away from sharing a
sexual landscape riddled with landmines to anther person.
Also, our patriarchal society is
notorious for culturally gaslighting women into thinking that emotional
fluctuations and sensitivity are symptoms of mental instability (or at the very
least, fodder for mockery), thereby adding another layer of embarrassment and
shame. This can be seen in TV shows where the hapless dope has to run into the
drug store to buy tampons for his insane, hormonal girlfriend. Many men won’t
talk about (much less have sex with) women on their periods because it’s
‘disgusting.’ In the workplace, women (or men with more feminine natures) are
not given as much credence because their ‘emotionality’ and ‘sensitivity’ are
evidence that they don’t have the ‘balls’ to handle high-level positions of
power. Finally, we are in the midst of an all-out, political war on women and
reproductive rights. If both sexes continue to treat each other as enemies, how
are we ever going to feel safe enough to take off our pants and ask to have our
genitals stroked?
In addition to shame, there is
also simple ignorance; we’ve never been taught how to manage energy. If we
don’t know what we want, how can we ask for it? PMS is considered a ‘normal’
affliction in our society. How many times have you told your friends “It’s that
time of the month,” and their response is something like “Yuck, I’m so sorry.”
You never hear anyone say, “Awesome! How are you going to use all that extra
energy?!” or “Sounds like you could use an all-downstroke OM. ”
The social prescription includes popping a Midol (or twelve), grabbing a carton
of Ben & Jerry’s and burrowing in a cave for a week.
Finally, I see women (and men)
avoiding direct interaction with orgasm in the name of being a ‘good, spiritual
person.’ What that means is people go to yoga or meditate or say affirmations
or cling to non-violent communication or ‘send heart vibes’ or utilize any
method to avoid confronting ‘darker’ energies. Anger, hate, jealousy, terror,
fear—all of these are part of the human experience. I see so many people try to
‘rise above the negative’ and therefore sacrifice connection to all of who they are. They get caught in their
own spiritual vanity (yes, I’ve done it too). This is not to say that yoga,
meditation, etc. don’t do anything to help in energy management. To the
contrary: they are integral pieces of the whole. However, to return to the
guitar metaphor, you can buy the highest quality instrument, clean her to a
shine and study musical theory—but eventually, you have to leave music school,
get out in the real world and play the
damn thing.
But if you practice connecting to
orgasm, expanding your capacity to receive, learning to ask for what you want
and including the whole experience—even
with its judgments, messiness, pain and tears—you will find a terrain rich with
desire and raw power. And this power, converted from tumescence to turn-on
(which is essentially tumescence plus approval), can be a most delicious
experience.
Case-in-point: yesterday, I was a
total nut job. Crying, depressed, pissed off and completely indecisive. Then I
had an OM. I felt my orgasm drop down from my
belly, through my pussy and to my legs. The air around me was dense and
crackly. My body felt light and spacious. Later on, while I was having sex, I
noticed there was much more openness in my pelvis. The blood that was once trapped
had room to flow down into the undernourished pockets of my genitals. Instead
of heavy, dull ache, I felt thick, lush wetness dripping out of me. Painful
cramping transformed to a velvety, electric undulation that pulled my partner
deeper into me. This was not hard fucking to run away from sensation—this was
sex that had me grateful for all the sensation available.
Good sex is just one way to
utilize the energy made available through alchemizing orgasm. Maybe you want to
write a book. Or start a family. Or run for president. The choice is yours. My
hope is that you will choose something that is in alignment with your deepest
desire.
Or at the very least, I hope you
find a little more space for the crazy, fucking mess of a woman that you are.
She’s gotta a lot of love to give—she just needs a little orgasmic tuning.
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