How Orgasm Saved My Life

Photo by Jocelyn Marquis

"I thought I was going to die. But the truth was I was coming back to life. My orgasm would no more withstand the capital punishment I’d forced upon her and the harder I tried to hold her down, the louder she would cry. She would not stop until every lie I’d built around me collapsed into a burning pyre at my feet and there was nothing left but…me. Vulnerable. Surrendered. But in my charred nakedness, I discovered that the things I’d been taught to fear were the very things that had set me free."

READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE ON MY TINY SECRETS

Interview with Mai Vu on "Hot Life Hot Love"

I had a fabulous time with Mai Vu on her show "Hot Life Hot Love." We talked about feminine eroticism and shared some very personal and heartfelt stories about learning to grow up as sexual beings. Have a look below and leave a comment with your questions!

And be sure to visit the crowdfunding campaign for my book and pre-order your copy!

Pre-Order Your Copy of "From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism."

Pre-Order Your Copy Here: https://www.dana.io/from-6-to-9

***My Story***

This is the biggest risk I have ever taken in my life.

My name is Candice Holdorf. I am a writer and teacher of sexuality and orgasm. I spent many years of my life in desperate fear of my sexuality. I used anorexia as a way to numb my hunger. I hid behind my ex-husband so I wouldn't have to confront my desire.

Until the day came when I could not go on living as the walking dead. I made a "fear list" and did everything on that list because I wanted to know what was beyond my terror limit.

What I discovered was a woman learning to live in agreement with her own eroticism--which is not always easy given that we live in a society where female sexuality is often reduced to an object to be won, bought, bartered or stolen. 

Thanks to my own practice of connecting to my own innate eroticism, as well as teaching others to connect to their own, I now have access to a deeper truth: as a woman, it is my birthright to know my pleasure, speak my desire and celebrate my sexuality.

This book is more than just a project. It’s my prayer for the planet.

***What is From 6 to 9 and Beyond?***
From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism uses 6 fictional short stories, 9 poems and visionary photography by Seqouia Emmanuelle to capture the erotic awakening of 6 feminine archetypes: The Virgin, The Whore, The Warrior, The Queen, The Nun, The Grandmother.

My mission to shift the way we view sexuality, from sex as commerce to sex as expression of deepest truth.

My book moves beyond the male-gazing pornographic and Harlequin romance novel perspectives of female sexuality and reintroduces the erotic back into sex.

The me, the erotic is a way of living that is infused with joy, wonder and reverence for life. Every moment is an opportunity to tap into that dynamic, pulsing life force we call orgasm.

Welcome to the erotic evolution.

***Where will the money go?***
Our goal of $15,000 for this project will go towards hiring a professional editor, graphic designer and purchasing a publishing package. If we can meet (or exceed!) our stretch goal of $20,000, we can then market the book, pay taxes and cover all the incidental costs that come with producing art.

I will also donate 10% of book sale profits to two organizations: All We Want Is Love, an organization that fights to end sex trafficking and The National Eating Disorders Association. 

http://www.allwewantislove.org/

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org 

***Other Ways You Can Help***
If you can't contribute financially at this time, you can still join the movement! Share this campaign with your friends and post to social media.

As you can see there are lots of ways to participate. If you feel as passionately as I do about healing our relationship to sexuality, we need your help! Your voice, your contributions and your willingness to be a part of this movement are the only way we can make sustainable change.

In love and faith,
Candice Holdorf

Download my interview on "How We Talk About Sex"

I am proud and honored to be featured on Eric Leviton's fabulous podcast, "How We Talk About Sex," released on 5/18/14. Download the interview from iTunes and listen in as I share some of the more personal details of my erotic and spiritual journey, as well as a discussion of my upcoming book, From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.

Click here to download.

NEW VIDEO! The Archetypes of "From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism"

"From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism"
A New Book by Candice Holdorf
http://www.from6to9andbeyond.com

Filmed by Find Your Edge Media
http://www.findyouredgemedia.com

NEW VIDEO! What is "From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism"?

"From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism"
A New Book by Candice Holdorf
http://www.from6to9andbeyond.com

Filmed by Find Your Edge Media
http://www.findyouredgemedia.com

First Page of "The Queen"

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog, mainly because the past few months I have been devoting my time to writing my book, From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism, and focusing less on articles. If you click on the link the title, you will also find an "Updates" page where I have blogging about the writing process. So be sure to head over there and check out all the good stuff I've been up to :)

However, I didn't want to neglect this page, so I am posting the first page from my story about "The Queen" archetype. You can find more on the book's website. Enjoy!

Photo by Sequoia Emmanuelle

Rani Jhadav placed the edge of the chilled glass against her warm lips, tipped back her head and slightly parted her mouth. Bright bubbles tickled the back of her throat, while the dry, cherry flavor of the 2005 Cristal Rosé Brut washed over her tongue. She closed her eyes. After the champagne had sufficiently slaked her thirst, she set the flute back down on the cream and gold-colored cocktail napkin. She glanced down at her Richard Mille 007 Rose Gold Watch, given to her exactly one year ago for her 38^th birthday.

“Twelve twenty-eight,” she noted to herself, the hands pointing towards two small diamonds representing the clock face’s twelve and the six.

She remembered the e-mail verbatim:

Alley

Sit at the bar

12:30 SHARP

Wear a skirt

Xo, Ms. V

Rani recrossed her legs, the smooth cushion of the suede barstool brushing against her bare, mocha thighs. She hooked the left heel of her Louboutin black-and-crystal pump on the bottom rung of her seat.

           “Twelve twenty-nine.”

           Admiring the artist’s penmanship, she softly fingered the paper “Reserved” sign that sat three inches behind her glass. The R snaked under the word “reserved” in thick calligraphy. A similar, yet scripturally unique, sign sat nine inches to her left, saving the empty space next to her.

           “Good thing Ms. V had the foresight to reserve us a spot,” thought Rani, as she glanced around the packed restaurant. Ever since the Gramercy Park bistro opened a little over a year and a half ago, it had been the hot spot for New York City’s wealthy and elite. It was a particular favorite of Rani’s since she could count on it to “wow” her potential investors and business contacts. And it was only two blocks from her Flatiron office.

Plus, she simply adored the care and attention put into every detail of the place—the décor, the cuisine, the wines, the gold-plated napkin rings and handwritten menus—all of it represented simple, yet elegant tastes, while simultaneously fostering an air of familiarity. Even now as she sat in plain sight, sliding her long fingers up and down the stem of her flute, Rani couldn’t help but step inside the intimacy of her experience. Nothing existed but supple flesh on firm glass.

           No sooner had she drifted off than she was startled back to the present by the appearance of a stranger in the seat beside her. She quickly looked at her watch.

          “Twelve-thirty? That was a minute?!” she thought, surprised at how quickly she had lost her sense of temporal perception.

         “Excuse me, sir,” she said, “this seat’s reserved.”

         “I know,” he silkily replied, an impish smile curling around his mouth.

Erotic Lessons from The Nun

Photo by Sequoia Emmanuelle

“I believe in loyalty. We should respect our Church, but never believe that the Church has the last word. The Church is saying “this”, but I believe that sooner or later “this” will change. “This” is not the mind of our Lord. God is all love. It’s a delicate balancing thing. The Church has changed its position over the years, and because the spirit is with the Church, in the end the Church will always get it right. But in the end. The spirit of the Church is the meaning of love, which hasn’t yet, perhaps, been fully understood,”

~ Sister Wendy Beckett on the subject of gay marriage

Most of us rarely hear the words “erotic” and “nun” in the same sentence.

That is, unless, you had a Catholic-school crush that permeated into the current kinks of your daily life.

However, whether you believe in God or not, we all have some form of the erotic nun archetype within ourselves. And while it’s true that nuns do not have sex, that does not mean that they do not have an erotic life.

To the contrary. I believe that many nuns have a rich and powerful connection to their own erotic energy. They’re married to Jesus Christ, for…well…Chrissakes!

First, let me define erotic. Its root word, eros, is Greek in origin and one of its meanings is “love as a fundamental creative impulse.” So while sexuality can be erotic, not everything erotic has to be sexual.

Eroticism is simply an experience of the  world that is alive, vital, flowing, present and deeply connected to the powerful creative energy always surrounding us.

Some people may call that energy orgasm. Other people may call that energy source. Still others may refer to is as kundalini. Nuns call this energy The Holy Spirit. And to devote your life and your creative force in service of this divine energy is truly erotic indeed.

The nun archetype experiences the erotic as God revealing his/her self in every ecstatic moment. In every face. In every sunrise. In every routine chore.

When I think of the embodied erotic nun archetype, I look no further than Sister Wendy Beckett. She’s a South African-born nun who currently resides in England and is best known for her PBS specials where she shares with the audience the history and technical analysis of various paintings and sculptures.

What is evident in her voice is how much awe, reverence and passion she has for art. She speaks with pleasureand delight as she describes the sensual curves of the sky, the fruit, the women and all manner of subjects that the artists choose to express through their work.

“He’s not interested in the static, but in the moment, when things are moving and happening,” says Beckett, almost defining eroticism in her description of Bernini’s sculptures.

In fact, every word that comes out of her mouth seems to be a gourmet delight that she can not wait to share with her viewers. She does not balk in shame or disapproval when sharing the sexual ardor of the nude characters depicted in the paintings.

And the seemingly limitless well of wonder from which she draws is unconditional love for all God’s creatures.

We are, of course, familiar with the unintegrated, shadow aspects of the nun: spiritual narcissism, delusions of grandeur, disgust for things of the “earthly” realm, etc. And though we may be used to associating those aspects with women wearing the habit, they can often show up in our everyday lives: anorexics, sanctimonious “enlightened” gurus and even many “seekers” who can barely take care of their everyday needs all deny themselves pleasure in the pursuit of “purity” and condemn anyone who does not walk their perception of “the right way.”

Our work is to neither reject the nun nor uphold her as the sole source of guidance in our lives; but to listen to her, love her and honor her wisdom with balanced ears.

So let us learn a thing or two from the erotic essence of the nun, such as awe and passion for the greater powers that surround us, no matter how mundane or trivial they may seem.

Let us bow our heads in reverence to the mysteries that influence and guide us every day. Let our work be a prayer for more compassion and an act of service in honor of the divine. And may we all heed her invitation to dance with each other in the name of universal love.

PLAY ON

The Nun’s Poem from the book “From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.”

Play on, God.

Play on, Mother Mary.

Play upon the instrument of my rich and fertile body,

So Ripe and Pluck-able.

Play until I sing your praises

In cries of terror and ecstasy,

Forgetting myself

In the remembrance of all that I am,

All that I was,

And all that I will ever be:

Your Divine Grace.

New Website Devoted to My Book, "From 6 to 9 and Beyond"

Hello all,

It is with great pleasure that I unveil my latest project, From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism." You may recall all those videos blogs I did in July and August, as well as the Indiegogo campaign I ran.

Well, as the book unfolds, I am posting excerpts from the stories and poetry and pictures! You can find them all at one place at the url below. Be sure to check back for more updates as the book unfolds!

http://www.from6to9andbeyond.com

"From 6 to 9 and Beyond: The Virgin"
Photo Credit: Sequoia Emmanuelle

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #69: The End? Plus, Gratitude & Lessons Learned

Wow. Thank you everyone who contributed to my fundraising campaign. We raised $5797 in 5 weeks! It's a great start and I know I can create something gorgeous with the money.

I have my photo shoot with Sequoia Emmanuelle in September and will be busy writing/editing during October and November. During that time, I will post pictures and updates as the book comes to life.

I plan on doing more live events/workshops in the coming months to help add to my final Indiegogo total.

If you feel called to contribute financially and didn't have a chance during the campaign, you can Paypal me at candice (at) theorgasmiclife (dot) com. Just make a note that it is a book contribution and mark the donation as a "gift."

Again, thank you so much for an incredible 5 weeks. I can't wait to share the book with you all!

Blessings!

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #68: Redefining Eroticism

Redefining Eroticism #69vlogs69days

Finding the Sweet Spot

View original article on elephantjournal.com

We hear a lot of conflicting perspectives on desire.

Oftentimes we are warned to detach from it, lest we spend our lives running towards pleasure and avoiding pain. This attitude comes across as a bit fundamentalist to me and works to deactivate and deny our fundamental creative impulses.

Or we are told it’s the fuel of life and that we should heed its every call; otherwise, we are living dry and colorless lives and stifling our creative potential. While this is more in alignment with my beliefs, taken to the extreme, it can breed attitudes of narcissism and entitlement and make us feel like victims of circumstance when we perceive that we aren’t getting what we are wanting.

I believe the sweet spot lies somewhere in between.

Of course, let us not confuse desire with craving, that passing habit of addiction which we use to desensitize ourselves.

No, desire is very much a feeling animal—alive and rife with orgasm.

The sweet spot brings us to the edge of our pleasure and holds us there so as to savor the experience and gently land before becoming bloated and numb to sensation.

It loves to rest right in the center of wanting and having.

It satiates while keeping the appetite sharp.

The Japanese have a saying for this regarding food: Hara hachi bu. Which means “Eat until 80% full.”

And of course we’ve all heard the saying “Leave them wanting more.”

So when you feel your desire call, slow down. Listen. Really tune in to what she is saying. It may be a little confronting, especially since desire often goes against the cultural grain.

It’s less about totally expressing your desire and more about simply acknowledging and approving of what you hear. From the center of the sweet spot, desire becomes a conscious choice. And you get to decide how much fun you are going to have on the ride, regardless of whether or not the desire is fulfilled.

Oftentimes, it’s just as delicious to sit with desire—to hang out in the wanting. How hot and sweet is it to be sitting so close to your lover, swelling with desire, and only feeling the heat from his skin shimmer across your body?

So, neither squelch desire nor rush towards it. Slow down. Get present. Find the sweet spot.

And keep yourself always ready for just little bit more.

The following poem is featured in her upcoming book, “From 6 to 9 and Beyond,” which uses stories, poetry and visionary photography by Sequoia Emmanuelle to capture the erotic awakening of six feminine archetypes. She plans on donating 10% of the book profits to All We Want Is Love, an organization that ends sex trafficking. Learn more about the project here.

Unexpressed Desire

By Candice Holdorf

Cool raindrops on my window.
A liquid warmth insulates
The soft Sunday morning
(The grey skies
A cozy backdrop
For our scene)

My bare right thigh
Rests on your pajama-ed leg.
My right hand slipped
Under your left
As my palm inhales
The heat from your ribs.

You hover on the edge
Of a waking snooze.
A soft snore rises
From your throat.
A moment frozen
With desire.

This could go in any direction.

On the one hand,
I hate to disturb your sweet surrender,
Like a nostalgic portrait
Studied by professors
And glanced over by disinterested tourists
As they rush through the gallery.

On the other hand,
I want nothing more than to feel
Your lips brushing the side of my neck.
Your entire fist slowly twisting inside me.
Your coarse fingers mashing my left breast,
Squeezing out my nipple and tugging with your teeth.

Another soft snore.
A resigned sigh.
I pull my hand out from your shirt
In one, cottony stroke.
Unraveling from you,
I tiptoe to the door

Turning in time
To see your lazy smile
And half-opened eyes.
“I’ll let you get some rest,”
I whisper, as the door firmly latches
Behind my back.

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #67: The #1 Block to Desire

The #1 Block to Desire ‪#‎69vlogs69days‬

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #66: Desire vs Craving (Part 3 of 3)

Desire vs Craving (Part 3 of 3) #69vlogs69days

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #65 Desire vs Craving (Part 2 of 3)

Desire vs Craving (Part 2 of 3) ‪#‎69vlogs69days‬

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #64: Desire vs Craving (Part 1 of 3)

Desire vs Craving (Part 1 of 3) ‪#‎69vlogs69days‬
Visit the Talk with Vince Show here: http://vegasallnetradio.com/Shows/TalkWithVince.html

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #63: Will YOU be one of the Miracle 1500?

Will YOU be one of the Miracle 1500? #69vlogs69days

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #62: In The Garden (Poem From My Book)

In the Garden (Poem from my Book) #69vlogs69days

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #61: It's Just Sex

It's Just Sex #69vlogs69days

69 Vlogs. 69 Days #60: Doing it "Right"

Are you caught up in "doing it right"?