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| Photo by Lianne Viau |
“The erotic has often been misnamed by men
and used against women. It has been made into the confused, the trivial, the
psychotic, and plasticized sensation. For this reason, we have turned away from
the exploration and consideration of the erotic as a source of power and
information, confusing it with the pornographic. But pornography is a direct
denial of the power of the erotic, for it represents the suppression of true
feeling. Pornography emphasizes sensation without feeling.” ~ Audre Lorde
Yup. You asked for it (even if you won’t admit it). Another
article on everyone’s favorite topic: SEX!
(End of snarky intro)
The argument goes that all you have to do is put up a
picture of a scantily-clad woman, have a title promoting the ‘3 Easy Steps to
Being a Mega Sex-Machine’ and bandy about the words cock and pussy and BAM!
Instant ele hit.
Now look: as a sexuality writer, I will be the first one to
roll my eyes at some of the schlock that gets published. All the tips and
tricks to snag a husband, make her come like a volcano or lose weight so you
aren’t a flabby troll who can’t even get laid by a blind man can actually be
damaging, prey upon our cultural insecurity and push our sex back into the
shadowy recesses of shame.
However, when my work (and the work of my very talented ele
peers) are linked to these complaints, I have to speak up. To question the
journalistic validity of an article simply because there’s a ‘helpful’ list or
it focuses on sex or there’s only a video and little writing is not only
blatantly arrogant—it’s downright insulting.
I’m truly sorry that every single piece on elephantjournal
doesn’t get the kind of attention it deserves. I have read and re-posted some gorgeous pieces that unfortunately got
lost in the electronic fray. However, that is the nature of being an artist. We
may create many, many pieces, but only one becomes a Guernica or a Mona Lisa.
In my opinion, I don’t think people are tired of hearing or
talking about sex. In fact, I think we are actually starving for frank, in-depth conversations about sex. I think what
people are tired of is SEX-SATIONALISM—that is to say, the titillating ‘tee hee
hee’ that sits on top of our own sexual shame, hunger and insecurity. We get a
‘hit’ when we Youtube search for various ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ and pop-star
lesbian makeouts (and no thank you, I do not need to see a busty woman when
purchasing an automobile or deodorant). We become sex-crack junkies, opting for
the quick fix in the syringe rather than making the more vulnerable choice of
asking directly for the sex we want.
Also, many people tired of SEX-SEXSATIONALISM are
erroneously suggesting that sex is meaningless unless there is love attached. The
assumption is that love is greater than sex and that sex simply for the
pleasure of sex is somehow vacant.
Are you kidding me?
First, sex without love simply doesn’t exist. Love is
everything. It’s in everything we do. We are love. It is impossible to escape
it, whether you are fucking, eating, pooping, walking, crying or writing. Our
capacity to allow ourselves to feel it may fluctuate, but the truth of the
matter is that love is the ineludible breath of orgasm. Even when we feel dead
and disconnected from the world, love is there—we are often too proud to accept
it, but it waits gracefully and patiently for us to acknowledge it.
Second, it is my belief that we are confusing romance with
love and sex. We have this belief that sex is only OK as long as we do it
‘tantrically’ with someone with whom we are ‘in love’ and to whom we plan on
making a lifelong, monogamous commitment. Balderdash. Some of my deepest and
most transformative life experiences were one-night stands, bathroom sex and
sex with people who were already in committed relationships—all of which were saturated in love.
I actually think romance and other ‘rule-based’ excuses for
sex are poisoning our ability to fully open. They sit on top of our pleasure,
like an angry schoolmarm, punishing us for enjoying anything that deviates from
a prescribed code of social respectability. To connect to our sexual
authenticity, we need to strip sex down to its barest essentials: you, your
partner and the sensation at the point of connection. That’s it. I am not
tossing off sex with a committed partner. I give thanks every day for the gift
of my Beloved. But I had to peel off the layers of what I thought my sex and
love should look like in order to recognize and receive him.
Third, having sex simply because it feels good is not only
OK—it’s the most noble reason of all. We have somehow adopted the
myth that pleasure equals "lack of self-control" and that denial
equals "being a good person." Perhaps this is a throwback to the
"martyrdom makes you a saint" dogma espoused by many popular
religions. However, in my mind, nothing is more noble, innocent and pure than
surrendering to the pleasure of our bodies. The pleasure we feel of a soft
cat's fur under our fingertips. The pleasure we feel of a ripe fig bursting
between our teeth. The pleasure we feel of warm sun against cool skin.
And yes, the pleasure of sex. The sparks of
electricity that ripple across the small of my back when my lover licks my ear.
The glow in my heart when I connect intimately with another person. The curious
bliss of deepening relationship. The playful thrill of adventure. The stirring
of the soul in creating new life.
I neither trust nor enjoy sex if I or my partners have
other agendas—romantic or otherwise. If you are having sex to impress someone,
make your ego feel good, negotiate a transaction (i.e. I will eat you out if
you suck my cock), disassociate from life, snag a relationship or anything
other than surrendering to the pleasure found in our exquisite and miraculous
bodies, then it’s not an act of love, but manipulation.
Now, I cannot help but notice that a great majority of our
sex writers at elephantjournal are female and that most (if not all) of those
who are ‘sick of sex’ and wanting more ‘spiritually enlightening articles’ are
male. This, to me, is an indicator of the taboo surrounding female sexuality
and the continuous sexism that blankets the more feminine spiritual paths.
Audre Lorde
says:
“The erotic is a resource within each of us
that lies in a deeply female and spiritual plane, firmly rooted in the power of
our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling. In order to perpetuate itself, every
oppression must corrupt or distort those various sources of power within the
culture of the oppressed that can provide energy for change. For women, this
has meant a suppression of the erotic as a considered source of power and
information within our lives.”
The world of sex is
feminine: dark, uncertain, combustible, frightening. It is a spiritual path
that pulls us down into the mud of humanity before
we can push off the ground into the more celestial (and masculine) realms of
consciousness. So when I see my fellow sister-authors (and brothers as well) gather
the courage to share their erotic opening with the world (yes, that includes
E.L. James, regardless of your opinion of 50
Shades), I want to scream from the rooftops “Write on! Your expression is
my inspiration! Your voice is my healing!”
We each have our niche—that thing that calls forth from us
our greatest power. Yours may be vipassana. Someone else’s may be crocheting. Mine
is sex and orgasm. Perhaps if I wrote about cookie baking or child rearing, you
might be able to categorize me in a socially acceptable binder full of women.
I genuinely pay tribute to the vibrant community
elephantjournal fosters and the myriad of voices that come out to play.
Questioning and challenging are important and encouraged—it spurs personal and
social creativity. But writing off other people’s work as cheap or ‘simply
trying to make a name for themselves’ is simply disrespectful.
So. For those of you who are tired of reading about sex (but
not really) and need a list and a video to satiate your ele appetite, I humbly
offer you 7 Non-Sexual Tips (Plus 1 Video!) to Spice Up Your Sex Life:
1. Chew
your food slowly. Savor the experience. Use all five senses and allow the
flavor to slide over your body.
2. Express
gratitude. When you come from fullness and approval, it expands your capacity
to receive.
3. Do
something loving for yourself every day. If you know how to love yourself, you
will take nothing less from anyone else.
4. Practice
service. When you recognize your abundance and allow it to spill over, your joy
transforms you into the most attractive person in the room.
5. Break
the rules. Violate the ‘No’s’ and ‘Can’ts’ in your life and you will be bold
enough to do it in the bedroom.
6. Surround
yourself with beauty. When you know what gives you pleasure, you can recognize
it and ask for it.
7. Laugh.
It takes the pressure off to perform and connects you to the crooked perfection
of life.
PLUS!
Obligatory humorous sex video!
