I Got Married. Again.

I got married. Again.

Something I vowed I would never do. But vows are funny things, you know. Life is constantly in a state of flux. What we vow one day gets flipped upside down the next. We either stay firm within them, or we shift with the tide.

So when the unshakeable desire arose to love this man and commit to the unfolding partnership, I shifted too.

But when it came time for me to write my wedding vows, I found myself utterly stumped. Months went by. I thought the moment would magically arise and words would effortlessly overflow from my loving cup. Alas, I every time I tried to share what was in my heart, everything felt cheap and trite.

I reconsidered the whole notion of having vows. When I hear ‘in sickness and in health; til death do us part’, I think of fundamentalist, religious perspectives of the ‘proper’ roles of husbands and wives. Considering that I believe relationships can express themselves in a variety of ways, i.e. queer, poly and/or non-marriage based, this collection of antiquated aphorisms just weren’t my speed, nor did they inspire my writing.

Finally, in the shower, I had a flash in the form of a lyric from a medicine song that deeply binds me to my prayer.

I quickly wrapped a towel around me and dashed to my computer. Four lines squeezed out of me. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

The next day, our internet went down. We called the cable company. While my partner was testing the internet on my computer, he saw the beginning of my vows, which I had idiotically left open on my laptop.

I was back to zero. And this time, I felt even more hopeless. The crappy internet had destroyed my tiny shred of inspiration.

And that’s when I decided I would start as I always do: with the truth. I made the decision to just write what I was feeling in the moment. Every mental block and aggravation poured out of me.

And from this odd pile of brain vomit arose a simple truth: I was trying to vow in a way that wasn’t in integrity with who I was. I was looking for static promises that I knew would all set me up for failure.

Instead, what I discovered, was that this love was a moment to moment choice. How our relationship will look or what we will want in the future will naturally ebb and flow with the tides of our lives. But I can be certain that I will be a total ‘yes’ to whatever arises. And this ‘yes’, to everything—the blissful and the challenging—is the foundation of orgasmic marriage.

I share these words with you today in the hopes that they carry on the spirit of that prayer: to inspire and foster growth—for myself, my Beloved and everyone we meet.

In a moment when a writer most needs her muse

Words utterly fail me—

Or rather they disappoint—

They are but brief placeholders

To the magnitude of love inside.

I remember within the first weeks of dating you

(During our emotional disarmament)

When I laid down my vanity and spoke

The ominous desire:

“I want to know what it’s like to be utterly devoted to a man.”

And so…here we stand.

Me: a woman

Just trying to figure it out.

You: the answer

To my every prayer.

This relationship has felt like a series of choiceless choices.

I can say ‘Yes’

And watch the most incredible miracles unfold--

Or…I can say ‘Yes’

Because you and I would never choose anything less than magic.

I choose connection over ‘being right.’

I choose vulnerability over pride.

I choose support for our growth over insecurity of my own inadequacy.

I choose celebration over manipulation.

I choose ‘more life’ over stagnant insulation.

I choose gratitude over resentment.

I choose play over ‘winning the game.’

I choose service to Spirit over selfish adoration.

I choose interpersonal freedom over fear-laden codependency.

I choose a pauper’s truth over a king’s ransom of lies.

“Oh my Beloved, you are always in my heart”

And this is my only prayer:

May our love be the foundation of our lives,

And an inspiration to each other

And to every person we meet.

I honor—and devote—myself to you,

Adam Gordon.

My partner in this world—

And every place

Beyond understanding.

Forget Coffee: Start Your Mornings with ‘Explosive Sexual Healing’

Explosive Sexual Healing: three words that would pique anyone’s interest.

When I first heard it, I was taken a little aback at the audacity of the name. I mean, Explosive? Really?

Maybe I’m a chronic skeptic. Maybe I’m a little jaded. Or maybe I’ve just had my share of guys promising ‘explosive’ nights of ecstasy, only to end up seven minutes later with cum on my shirt and an unpaid dry-cleaning bill.

So when the neon sign unapologetically flashed EXPLOSIVE Sexual Healing, all I could think was, “Buddy, you better deliver.”

What is Explosive Sexual Healing? According to husband-and-wife team (and founders), Ben and Jen Rode, it’s a “healing modality that empowers women through ecstatic states of full release G-spot orgasm.” Through clearing blocks in a woman’s sex, they also unblock her from having what she wants in the rest of her life.

The G-spot is typically known as this mysterious locus of pleasure (which may or may not have something to do with female ejaculation) to which only the lucky few have access. The Rodes work to educate women on their anatomy (yes, every woman has this power within her), as well as set the stage for her to experience the scope of her orgasmic potential: through coaching, intuitive tarot readings, reiki and (you guessed it) massaging the G-spot.

I can see the comments section filling up already in a chorus of dissent:

You mean some random dude is going to touch my girlfriend’s pussy?

That’s fucked up.

What if I fall in love with him?

That’s immoral.

Why would I let someone touch me ‘down there’ if I’m not going to marry him?

Isn’t that prostitution?

I don’t want to get taken advantage of.

On the one hand, the concerns are legitimate. In our current climate of sexual shame, secrecy and fear (especially regarding female desire), it’s no wonder we are confused. Religion says women should be honorable and loyal and yet Cosmo tells us we better know how to ‘rock his cock’ lest we lose our chances at capturing ‘the one.’

Men don’t have it much easier. They are taught to be ‘players’ and base their self-esteem on successfully bagging chicks, but only have porn, hookers and their 13-year-old awkward fantasies as a reference (no offense to a gold bikini-clad Princess Leia).

However, it is because of our limited education and attitudes towards sex (and not in spite of them) that the Rodes created Explosive Sexual Healing. Admit it: as much as want to think we are all sexual rock stars, most of us still have a lot to learn when it comes to our erotic potential. Just as professional mechanics specialize in cars or professional accountants specialize in finances, we must also learn to make space for professional sex workers who know how to skillfully work with our sex.

Ben Rode is one such professional. As a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, he is trained in handling sexuality with the utmost care and integrity. As of now, this type of certification is legal in the states of California and Nevada.

He calls what he does ‘one-way touch’; that is, he touches the client’s genitals, but the client does not touch back. Ben never removes his own clothes and there are no other ‘strings’ that usually get entangled when we try to connect to pure, unadulterated orgasmic energy, i.e. romance, husband hunting, trying to impress, fear of looking ‘unladylike,’ etc.

Plus, Ben’s wife, Jen, is present and part of the healing process, thus making it psychologically ‘safer’ for many women to relax their ‘center of vigilance’, a.k.a. the reptilian part of the brain that keeps us in a state of fight-or-flight. When the center of vigilance is activated, women cannot enter a state of orgasm. Therefore, knowing that she is safe and well held is essential for a woman to tap into her orgasmic potential, which is why working with professionals is invaluable in this type of work.

The importance of what they do cannot be denied; and yet it’s also extremely cutting edge and goes way beyond many people’s comfort zones. Not only do they have to face cultural judgment around touching their clients’ genitals, but also they come up against antiquated and misguided definitions of orgasm.

Thanks to my training in Orgasmic Meditation, I had a broader experience of orgasm, but most people the Rodes meet have never considered the possibility that orgasm is more than just a 30-second crashing climax or that it could last one minute, five minutes, thirty minutes or even longer. Explosive Sexual Healing literally throws grenades both into our mental and physical paradigms of sexuality.

But Ben and Jen don’t see this as a deterrent. Beyond the ‘orgasmic’ appeal, Explosive Sexual Healing truly is about healing. In addition to being a Sexological Bodyworker, Ben is also a Certified Hypnotherapist and Jen is a powerful clairvoyant and Reiki Master. They think of their work as a ‘calling’ and believe that their ‘Twin Flame’ partnership, both in marriage and in vocation, serves the greater healing between the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine.

Don’t misunderstand me. For all the woo-woo talk, Ben and Jen are two people with their feet firmly planted on the ground. More than that, they are also in alignment with their own sexuality and have clear and firm boundaries within their personal relationship. Therefore, the boundaries they have with their clients are some of cleanest and healthiest I have ever experienced.

From the moment I walked into their home, I knew I was in a place where I could surrender.

Over time, I had come to know Ben and Jen as genuine and loving people with a message similar to mine: sex and pleasure are our birthrights and what the world desperately needs are sexually empowered queens stepping into their greatness and sharing their gifts.

I threw my expectations out with the rest of my vanity and lay my naked body on the table. Ben proceeded to oil my legs and back and gently worked the muscles that held tension. Jen floated her hands over my body, performing reiki.

As the minutes passed, I felt myself sink into deeper levels of relaxation.

Finally the time arrived. Ben put on his gloves, lubed up fingers and requested permission to enter me.  I granted him access. He slipped in two cool fingers and slowly began to pulse the spongy area above my pubic bone. It wasn’t long before I felt an urgent swelling suckle his fingers. Jen reminded me to connect the softness of my heart with the nuclear power plant growing in my genitals.

As per Ben’s instructions, I began to stroke my clit while he supported my legs and kept the pressure building inside. He told me to go to the edge of climax but stressed to not go over. He let me know that soon we’d be going into the first orgasm. I nodded my head, face dripping with sweat and pussy swollen with blood.

I released my clit stroking, barely hanging onto the orgasmic edge. I opened my throat, bore down onto his fingers and spread the energy down.

At first, I felt a widening sense of being, like hanging in the air, followed by a strange disconnect between my body and me. I looked down. Out of the rumbling pile of bones that I identified as ‘my body,’ a warm, sweet-smelling stream of liquid flooded his hands, the sheets and my legs.

The scream ebbed from my lips and shifted to a stunned, “Oh.”

In my sexual life, I’ve had dribbles or the occasional squirt. But I had never seen a river of that magnitude flowing from between my legs.

I laid my head back and started crying.  I felt I had been initiated. All the stories you hear about the power of a woman, the Source of Life, the Great Void, L’Origine du monde, all suddenly made perfect sense.

“Are you ready to go again?”

“More?!” I thought.

We started again, building the orgasm to an unbearable peak and this time I bared down even more, committed to extend to the edges of my capacity. Again, jets of fluid misted over us. I was stunned at what had been building (or should I say stagnating) inside my body all these years.

He asked once more if I wanted to stop, but I knew I had one more peak to go. This child inside demanded to spread her legs freely and I knew she had not yet quite been birthed. The labor built up to the highest peak yet. And when it came time to surrender into absolute, a spark shot from my clit to his fingers and spread into the most heavenly agony imaginable. Never wanting it to end and wondering if I had the strength to take another moment.

I convulsed on the edge of light and dark. Heaven and earth. Ethereal and chthonic. The veils lifted and inside was nothing…and everything.

At the end of the final release I fell back and started laughing. Endlessly laughing with wicked, wild, wet abandon. The orgasmic joke overtook me and one hilarious and dangerous truth emerged: this was only the beginning.

Ben pulled his fingers out of me. They stepped out of the room. I inhaled and surrendered into the sopping sheets, afterglow washing over my newborn body.

So, does Explosive Sexual Healing deliver? Yes. In more ways than one.

If OMing is like brushing your teeth, then Explosive Sexual Healing is like going to the dentist.

After the session, I found myself flooded with life. I was glowing and wanted to share my turn-on, as well as integrate and metabolize the energy. I took a yoga class, walked for 30-minutes through the Mission and went out dancing for three hours before collapsing into my lover’s arms that night.

Who needs coffee when you’ve got orgasm?

Think about all the little addictions we have to escape taking responsibility for our power: caffeine, alcohol, shopping, hard-n-fast sex, television, sugar, etc.

Or imagine the money we spend in endless therapy sessions, plastic surgery, punitive gym classes or pointless fashion magazines in the vain attempt to attain ‘perfection.’

What orgasm teaches us is that the nourishment we seek resides inside of us, and can never be found no matter how many ‘hot sex tips’ we learn or how many doughnuts we stuff inside our souls. And this orgasmic nourishment is a bottomless resource we can tap into anytime. All we have to do is say ‘yes’ to our pleasure and surrender to her wisdom.

As for the name? Well, according to the Rodes, ‘Sensual Hypnotherapeutic Release’ was too long for a web address. Plus, ‘Explosive Sexual Healing’ is simply one URL no one ever forgets.

****************************************************************************

Ben and Jen Rode are currently taking clients. For women, they offer a 90-day Ultimate Self Empowerment Program for $4997 as well as a 5-day World Traveler’s VIP Rapid Transformation Retreat for $2997. For men (or women) who would like to learn how to give G-Spot orgasms, Ben offers a one-on-one training program for $1997. And for the curious but hesitant, Ben and Jen have a 90-minute, clothing-on intro session for only $147.

Email Ben Rode at Ben@ExplosiveSexualHealing.com for more info.

Website: http://www.explosivesexualhealing.com

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/ESHRode

Expanding Your Pleasure Container

Most of us have a love/hate relationship with abundance.

We talk about how we want more: more money, more time, more love, more creativity, more intimacy, more sex.

But when the moment comes to receive ‘more,’ most of us are quick to hit the eject button.

We may give in to sabotaging voices:

I’m too old/ugly/poor/fat/uneducated

I don’t deserve it

I don’t have enough time

I have too much responsibility

I don’t want to look greedy

Or we may go on ‘energetic shopping sprees,’ quick to ‘spend’ our abundance on ‘empty-calorie’ treats that prevent us from feeling our power: shopping, sugar, drama, hard & fast sex, television, alcohol or any other number of addictions.

Or we may numb out, restricting our ability to feel pleasure.

Or we simply run away and shut ourselves off from even recognizing that the universe is, right now, offering us abundance beyond our wildest dreams.

I know. I was one of those women.

As an anorexic for seven years, I know the torture and guilt that come with trying to do things ‘the right way.’ The way that wouldn’t make me look ugly or selfish or (god forbid) hurt someone’s feelings.

I had traded my sex and hunger for a life of ‘safety.’

And not without reason.

The fact is, a woman in her power is an awesome (and frightening) force! A hungry woman is often shunned and called a bitch. A full woman is often feared, called a whore or (in more brutal times) burned at the stake. 

So we women live in this constant state of ‘crazy’: knowing we are hungry, but not knowing for what and living in terror of admitting just how bottomless our desire is.

We’ve never been taught how to stand on our own and walk beside men in life. We only know how to trail behind or crush them with our angry stilettos.

It wasn’t until I released the fear of my hunger and befriended her that I found that she was the one leading me to my desire, a.k.a. soul nourishment.

I came to know, accept and take responsibility for my sensual pleasure. I began to see men as friends (not saviors or enemies). I discovered myself in relationship to my highest self—not in relationship to what would win me awards, attention or praise.

Cultivating orgasm was key to this transformation—and I don’t mean orgasm as that crashing thirty seconds you hope will make an appearance in your sex every once in a while. I mean orgasm as the breathing, pulsing life force that births every moment. Orgasm that fills me up and fuels me to my highest purpose.

Imagine you are thirsty, but you go to a lake with only a thimble. That’s not a vessel big enough to slake your thirst. You need to get a bigger container to carry the water!

The same is true of anything you want more of in your life. We need to create bigger containers within ourselves to hold our abundance and that starts with pleasure—learning to expand our capacity for orgasm.

One of my favorite ways that I practice receiving is Orgasmic Meditation. Another is to keep a desire/pleasure journal. You can also volunteer for an organization that touches your heart (this is known as ‘being of service’). Or make a gratitude list every day of ten things for which you are thankful.

A deeper inquiry is to notice the places you are stopping yourself from feeling pleasure—if someone compliments you, do you immediately take it down a peg (“oh, I’m not really that great”), or do you simply receive it and say “thank you.”

Any sort of sabotaging voices, martyrdom or self-punishment is also a one-way ticket to Thimble-ville.

So put pleasure on the top of your to-do list and CELEBRATE your life Your gifts. Your body. Your sensuality. Your desire. Your hunger. Everything.

They are all a part of your magnificence—and are vital tools on the journey to the abundance you deserve. 

The Art of Domination

View this article on The Good Men Project

In a society that emphasizes the value of ‘dominance,’ I’ve noticed a significant dearth of men who are actually skilled in this art.

I don’t intend to blame or emasculate nor do I mean to imply that it is always a man who dominates and a woman who submits. There are a significant number of cases where a woman tops a man, a man tops another man, a woman tops another woman or any variation of gender fluidity in between. Domination has more to do with the quality of one’s energy than the genitals between one’s legs.

However, since domination is a role that requires a more masculine set of skills,  we often see men take the ‘dominant’ role in carnal play.

As a woman who has spent most of her sexual life on the bottom, I consider a skillful dom to be nothing short than a gift from God. I will bow before the throne of this man. I will kiss his feet, offer my unending devotion and surrender all that I am at the altar of him.

So why does it seem that, in the (almost) lament of Flannery O’Connor, a good ‘dom’ is hard to find?

In a word: humility. Or lack thereof.

What is typically described as ‘dominance’ actually stems from reptilian-minded, scarcity-driven thinking, i.e. kill or be killed. Men’s compulsive acquisition of status and competitive one-upmanship are masks hiding deep wounds surrounding their disconnect from the feminine and confusion about their own authentic masculinity.

We’ve seen the stereotype: men craving bigger, better, faster cars and younger, blonder, sexier women in order to feel ‘on top’ in the world. Cream the competition. Leave no prisoners. Never take ‘No’ for an answer. Feelings are for pussies.

So if dominance is the ‘prize,’ than anything that is not, i.e. ‘submission,’ is viewed as ‘the loser,’ ‘less than’ or ‘beneath.’

However, nothing could be further from the truth. Feeling is essential in domination, vanity is poison and submission is considered the ‘power position.’

Think less like a lizard and more like a sculptor: there is the clay, the artist and the sculpture within. Contrary to what may appear to be happening, the sculptor is not ‘controlling’ the scene, nor is he ‘better than’ the clay or the sculpture within. The sculpture determines the next stroke and the clay relays this message to the sculptor’s hands.

The same applies in power play. Desire, or that which yearns for expression, channels orgasm through the submissive to the dominant.

Therefore, though dominance is a role requiring strength and solidity, it also includes humility, respect and ‘beginner’s mind.’

Anyone can Google ‘Shibari,’ ‘Spanking’ or ‘How to Get Her Off’ to learn a variety of techniques for sensual play. But tools are not enough. One must learn the language of the feminine, and totally surrender himself to her desire, in order to dominate like a master.

The following is a guide for unleashing your inner dom (note: for this guide, I use the term ‘Her’ in reference to ‘Submissive’, with an implication that the Dominant is a man. As I mentioned before, there are a variety genders playing both roles, but for the purposes of easeful distinction, I am using the heteronormative language):

1.    Know Thyself. Are you truly looking to dominate? Or are you donning the dom mantle in order to enroll someone to dominate you? This can often be seen in ‘tit-for-tat’ scenarios, i.e. ‘if I do you a little, will you do me in return?’ As I have stated before, our society often views submission as ‘weak,’ so it is no wonder men would feel embarrassed by submissive desires. Be braver than that; admit what turns you on and go for it.

2.    Be of service. A dom is overflowing with generosity. Just as a massage therapist is in service of his client or a restaurant server is in service of her patrons, so must you be in service of your submissive’s desire (even if she can not yet articulate it). Have their favorite foods on the fridge, sensual music playing and warm lighting in the space. Put care and attention into creating your scene.

3.    Choose your partners wisely. If your turn-on is rope work and hers is daddy role-play, you may not be a good match for each other (no matter how hot she is). You don’t see Michael Jordon riffing on a guitar or Carlos Santana shooting free throws. This doesn’t mean you can’t expand your repertoire or have a variety of kinks. But by being honest about your desires, you will more easily attract play partners suited to your tastes.

4.    Communicate, communicate, communicate. Speaking of desires, it is imperative that you lay your cards on the table and invite her to do the same. Ask what her what turns her on. What edges would she like to push. Does she have any requests. Any injuries. Any boundaries or ‘Hard No’s.’ Any STDs. Choose safe words. If you have a question, ask and get her consent on anything that feels ‘iffy.’ This is vital to the safety and sanctity of play.

5.    Let go of the goal.  Again: let go of the goal. One more time: Let. Go. Of. The. Goal. I know it can get exciting when things get wet and juicy and you want that big BANG to reassure you that you are doing a good job. But nothing kills a scene faster than pushing for a result. She will either get angry that you aren’t feeling her or obliged to perform a certain way so as not to hurt your feelings. Remember, the art is in connection, not perfection.

6.    Connect your heart to your cock. Yes, a sub wants to feel your animal, but she also wants to feel loved. Oftentimes men will sacrifice one for the other and we end up with a room full of ‘nice guys’ and ‘assholes.’ You certainly don’t have to be ‘in love’ or life partners, but you must empathize with her and stay connected to both your power and compassion.

7.    Harder and faster doesn’t always mean better. In most cases, it’s a disguise for losing connection with your partner. You must be willing to go painstakingly slow—so slow that even she can’t stand it—in order to build the kind of energy for deep, erotic play. In the same vein, whacking her hard won’t necessarily open her either. Think of the more intense strokes as peaks of the experience, rather than blasting the scene with the same loud note. As I like to say, the feather sometimes is mightier than the flogger.

8.    Be a rock. She has to know in her body that you have her no matter what. If you are only 99% present, she will feel it and won’t feel safe enough to open. Be a 100% solid rock for the tempest of her desire.

9.    Be vulnerable. That being said, you must also be receptive to her. You must feel her experience and ride her wave. You must know your own pain in order to consciously inflict it and know your own pleasure to revel in hers. Your vulnerability also invites hers out, which is essential for orgasm to arise.

10.  Hold, not control. Again, this hearkens back to the letting go of the goal part. You are simply holding space for her opening. The impulse to ‘control’ will cut you off from feeling the next right stroke.

11.  Be willing to sit in the unknown. If you’ve stopped feeling her, chances are she’s stopped feeling you. Stop. Breathe. Reconnect. Sit in the unknown. And allow desire to take the reigns.

12.  Keep it simple. Don’t try to use every toy or get into every position. To dispel the myth about BDSM, it isn’t all whips and chains and leather and pain. You don’t even have to get naked. A scene can be as simple as a blindfold and a bowl of strawberries. Art isn’t just knowing what to express; it’s also knowing what to edit.

13.  Keep it safe, but don’t protect her. You want to keep the space safe for expression, but don’t make the mistake of protecting her from her orgasm. It’s raw, real and wild. Remember: solid as a rock. Get big enough to hold all of her, but don’t buffer her experience because of your own discomfort.

14.  Do not take responsibility for her orgasm. Yes, be responsible for yourself. Yes, be responsible for the care of someone who is entrusting her mind/body/spirit to you. But don’t take on her work and yours too. Otherwise you will feel angry, resentful and obligated to ‘make something happen.’ Your job is to feel the orgasm through the conduit of her body. It’s up to her how much she wants to open to what’s inside her.

15.  Claim her. Not too get all Harlequin romance novel on you, but this is an important point. In a recent bondage workshop I attended, the instructor demonstrated a hair pulling technique that beautifully illustrates ‘claiming.’ When she pulled the hair up and out, it felt yanked out of my skin and like she was taking something from me. When she pulled the hair down and in, it dropped me deeper into my body and closer to her, as if she was saying with her actions “You are mine.” Through this unwavering declaration, I was more willing to submit.

16.  Breathe. Oftentimes, when the energy gets high, we hold our breaths. Remember to breathe, let the energy flow, which will in turn relax her even more into her orgasm.

17.  Touch her in a way that feels good to you. Imagine you are petting a cat. You aren’t petting the cat for a result or to try to get something from her. You pet the cat because it feels good to your hand. A sub is the same way. If it feels good to you (and you are fully present with her), then she’s probably purring with equal delight.

18.  Have a sense of humor. Poop happens. Pussy farts happen. Banging heads happen. Don’t take it all so seriously. Be willing to laugh and roll with the punches. And then move on.

19.  Ride the edge. A skilled dom can feel their sub’s threshold and go just one step beyond. This is the sweet spot of dynamic tension. One step too far and the scene climaxes too quickly. One step too short and it never builds enough steam to take off.

20.  Aftercare. Most people think of ‘climax’ as the most important part of play. For me, it’s aftercare, which is the process of ‘coming down from the high’ and reintegrating back into the world. Aftercare is a process often overlooked, but vital to the health of your relationship. A good comedown has your partner feeling relaxed in absolute trust and allows her to stretch further in future scenes. A bad one has her feeling abandoned with her guts hanging out and not likely to play with you anymore. Hold her. Caress her. Wrap warm towels around her. Bring her fresh water and hot tea. Share peak moments from your experience with each other. In these gentle moments, you lay fresh ground for new connection and deeper intimacy.

21.  Bring it. All of it. Your fear, your courage, your prejudice, your brutality, your softness, your warrior, your wounded little boy and your dirty old man. Sex will quickly highlight all the facets of your soul that have remained in the shadows and the more you hide them, the less your sub will trust you. Be confident. You are who you are. Own it. 

Devi Ward’s ‘Shake Your Soul-Song!’ Focuses on Sensual Pleasure and Personal Responsibility {Book Review}

Written for Rebelle Sex: A Revolutionary Online Magazine Staffed by Pleasure Gurus, Lovestyle Experts & Sexy, Daring Writers. Launching March 2013

I’ve been a fan of Devi Ward for some time now. She’s a sexuality coach and Authentic Tantra™ teacher who brings an open mind and grounded presence to her work. Her latest offering, Shake Your Soul-Song!: A Woman's Guide to Self-Empowerment Through the Art of Self-Pleasure, is a sexual empowerment book focused on teaching women to cultivate their pleasure and take responsibility for their desire.

Being able to speak to a wide variety of people is essential—especially in the tender realm of sexuality. Ward can go from Tibetan Buddhist to Sex in the City in a just a few sentences. On one page, you will read tantric teachings from her Shangpa Kagyu Lineage; on the next, you’ll find her personal Babeland list of ‘What’s Hot and What’s Not’.

And it’s done with grace, generosity and vulnerability.

Towards the beginning of the book, Ward tells the story of her own shame within her sex and her journey towards healing. She shares insight on the cultural struggle for sexual freedom, especially for women, and how through the ‘Four Principles of Self-Pleasure,’ she found liberation and reclaimed her womanhood.

The first half of the book focuses on the importance of pleasure in our lives. Many women, through trauma, fear or conditioning, have lost their connection to pleasure. She also describes the difference between empty habits that momentarily fill the pleasure void and deeply satisfying ways of embodying our sensuality.

She also touches upon ‘Walt Disney Syndrome,’ which is essentially waiting around for Prince Charming to come along and awaken up our dormant sex. Ward believes (as do I) that a woman’s orgasm is her birthright—and her responsibility.

The second half of the book gives a more detailed explanation of how a woman can venture into her sexuality and reclaim her power. She fleshes out in greater detail the ‘Four Principles of Self-Pleasure,’ and lays out a program for tapping into our sensual selves. The program includes exercises like journaling, dancing and self-stimulation, as well as resources on where to purchase toys and DVDs.

What I especially love about her program is that she creates the space for the reader to discover her own desire. Rather than demanding we stick hard to her agenda, she offers guidelines for optimal results, but says that if what moves us that day is to write rather than dance, so be it.

She’s humble, admitting that she too is on the never-ending journey of sexual self-discovery. At times, I felt like I was having tea with my best girlfriend, rather than sitting with a tantric guru (who just happens to know, in detail, about 11 different types of orgasm!).

I found Shake Your Soul-Song! to be wise, straightforward and informative. Plus, I can see women having a lot of fun with the exercises, which is key for sticking to any program.

I liked it so much, I even ordered a Honey Dipper Wand for myself!

Curious about what I’m going to do with it?

You'll have to read the book to find out.

Purchase Shake Your Soul-Song! on Amazon.com

Devi Ward's Facebook Page

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On Writing, Faith & ‘Figuring It Out’

View this article on elephantjournal.com

“The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you’re walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.” ~ Neil Gaiman

I hadn’t really thought of myself as a writer.

I’d only begun creating poetry and essays to help me through my divorce and eating disorder recovery in 2009. A year later, I began the journey into my own sexuality. 2011 saw the birth of my blog, ‘The Orgasmic Life’ (previously called ‘Returning Saturn,’ in order to honor the lessons from the painful events in my 28^th year). And then in February 2012, inspired by an off-hand suggestion from my then boyfriend (now fiancé), I sent ‘Anorexia and the Mother Shadow’ to elephantjournal.com.

At first, I was thrilled any major online magazine would even look at my writing, let alone publish it.

That one article led to another, then another, then another—until something new, vibrant and very, very tender arose: that part of my soul that yearned to be a ‘writer.’

So when Karl Saliter asked if he could interview me for his piece on How the Top-Earning elephantjournal.com Writers Strike it Rich, I was more than surprised—I was humbled (see full interview at the bottom of this article).

It also made me wonder, “Am I now officially a writer? And if so, how does that impact where the rest of my life is headed?”

I write and people read. That’s a fact. I coach and people work with me. That’s also true. Despite my putting no attention on my acting career since moving to the Bay Area, I still managed to do a play reading, an audition class and a short film last year.

And I’m getting married. Again.

I live in San Francisco, someplace I thought I would hang for three months tops—a layover on the way to Los Angeles. Fifteen months later, I’m still here. Before that, I had a thirteen-year love affair with New York City, living the life of a theatre actress/yoga teacher. But I’m a southerner at heart—born and raised in Atlanta, with a two-year childhood pit stop in Germany nestled in between ages 5 to 7.

I think this is what we call an ‘identity crisis.’

If I keep writing, does that mean I’ll never perform again? Will I lose my love of coaching, like I did for teaching yoga? Why am I still living in a city that still sometimes seems like a ‘friend with benefits’ vs. ‘the one’?

I want to feel at home. I want to have it all figured out, god damn it! I’m 32 years old; aren’t I supposed to be a responsible adult by now, with a 401k and a mortgage and health insurance and a baby on the way (or at least an attention-demanding pet)?

Nope. I’m just here. Shifting. Morphing. Experimenting.

And you know what? To my surprise, that’s OK.

If I waited to have things ‘figured out’ before taking action, I’d still be living at my mother’s house, drooling and in diapers.

All of life is one high school science lab. The experiences we face become the lessons we learn. The mistakes we make become the glimpses through the cracks of our souls’ armor. Love in face of hatred. Compassion in the face of anger. Vulnerability in the face of grief.

And faith in the face of doubt. I’m not talking about faith in God or religion (unless that’s your thing). I am talking about faith in yourself, or as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. says, “Taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” Faith in your power. Faith in your dreams. Faith in your strength. Faith in your innate genius, intuition and intelligence.

Faith and courage to open your heart to that which is most precious to you—even if you stand to lose it all.

That is the level of faith we are talking about—and if we are bold enough to admit the sheer magnificence of our dreams, then the price for walking that path demands no less than everything.

It’s not easy. Living this way is often frightening, humiliating, strange and painful.

Yet it’s also glorious, exciting, adventurous and deeply gratifying.

And, ultimately, that uncertainty is what aliveness means to me. Anything else feels like waiting at the bus stop for death.

So here I sit. In the middle of living—figuring it all out or not figuring it all out or whatever the hell it is we are doing here on earth.

So thank you life, for challenging me to grow beyond my edges.

Thank you faith, for reminding me that I don’t have to have it all ‘figured out’ in order to enjoy the ride.

And thank you readers, for supporting these words and for playing a vital role on my journey.

In faith,

Candice Holdorf

Karl Saliter: What part about being an elephant writer has been a surprise benefit?

Candice Holdorf: The surprise benefit of writing for elephantjournal has been threefold: One—the massive level of readership EJ has cultivated. I've never imagined my work being read on such a wide scale. Two—the quality of the audience. The kind of people EJ attracts has an open mind, an ability to discourse intelligently and respond to my work with respect and honesty. What I write can be a little far out and sometimes hard to hear. EJ readers are in a class like none other. Three—a shift in personal perception. In the past, I thought of myself more as an actress/yogi with an interest in sexuality and writing. Writing for EJ has totally changed that. Whereas I previously felt limited in my goals and creative outlets, I now see that I have a LOT more to offer the world than I thought. And I see, too, that I am big enough to hold all these desires—in fact I feel stifled if I'm not nurturing all these parts of my creative self.

KS: What questions do you ask yourself before you hit "submit for review?"

CH: The main question I ask myself before submitting anything is "How does this sound to my ears?" I have no doubt that what I write is my own personal truth, but if it the melody is off, no one will hear the music. Sometimes it's a mellifluous flute; sometimes it's a discordant clang. But either way, the sound must reflect the feeling I want to share—otherwise it's just words on a page.

KS: What do readers who want to write need to know?

CH: Readers who want to write should just start writing. Even if the next day you look at the page and think, "Dear God what was that drivel that came out of me," it doesn't matter. You have to turn on the creative faucet and allow what wants to flow to flow. I made a personal vow in 2007 to start writing three, hand-written pages a day of whatever just wanted to come out of me and I've stuck to this religiously. Mind you, most of these musings are probably not fit for print, but a lot of amazing ideas and insights came from this practice. After time, you will then discover your voice, your distinctive tone and what issues matter to you.

KS: What's next on your creative plate?

CH: Well, right now I have three books in mind. One is an e-book filled with poetry and real life stories from my personal erotic diary. I'd also love to get some photos of me in there posing as various female archetypes. Another book is more of a self-help book that links cultivating a connection with hunger and orgasm to healing oneself from anorexia, which I struggled with for over seven years. The third book is more of a memoir of my life—but I still have quite a bit more living to do before this one gets to a publisher. In fact, one of the chapters is called 'India,' which will be based on my upcoming travels this February to the Kumbh Mela.

In the long run, I'd love to co-write and act in films that explore taboo subjects and find the healing that comes with total acceptance of that which we deem shameful. Of course sex is a huge part of this, but I also want to include eating disorders and addictions of all kinds. I am writing an article now about how porn can actually be used for good. This is in stark contrast to the seedy scenes of men entering peep shows and porn stars depicted as sad and vacant shells of girls searching for daddy. This kind of paradoxical thinking turns me on and I believe it is essential to our spiritual growth as compassionate beings.

Can Pornography be a Catalyst for Spiritual Growth?

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