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| Union by Android Jones |
“I believe in karma,” he said, his dark eyes resting on my
pained face. “Because I had to go through you to find her.”
Nodding my head, I calmly replied, “I believe in karma too.
Because I had to go through you to find me.”
I didn’t know it then, at the end of my first marriage, but
with that statement, I had laid the foundation for what would come to be known
as “evolutionary love.”
My life didn’t look very “evolved” at that moment. I was
homeless with all my possessions stored in the basement of a Brooklyn church. I
was in my seventh year in my battle with anorexia, which reflected my own starving
eroticism. And I could barely get
through teaching an hour of yoga without bursting into a river of never-ending
tears.
I didn’t have language for it at the time, but as I sat in
my room for hours begging God (or Spirit or nature or just my own damned will)
to help me survive the shame, I knew something profoundly wise and beautiful
was rising from the ashes of my agony—an agony that felt like death.
Because it was death. As frightening as it may sound, death
is at the heart of evolutionary love because that’s what it means to evolve. We must muster the willingness
to brave the fire of constant change so that new life can emerge.
In this sense, every relationship is an evolutionary one
because it catapults us forward to the next leg of our soul’s journey. But when
we begin to consciously work with this evolutionary dynamic, relationship
becomes a sandbox for play and wonder, rather than something to which we
unconsciously grasp out of fear of facing our inevitable aloneness.
So how does evolutionary love show up practically in our
daily lives? If you asked that question of a thousand couples or multiples,
you’d get 2,000+ different answers. However, in my exploration of love,
partnerships and relating, as well as my personal experience with two
marriages, I have stumbled upon some universal guidelines that may serve you on
your path to evolutionary love.
1: It starts with
YOU
Ask yourself the question, “Who am I?” Go deeper and ask, "What do I want?” Inquire even further and ask, “What values are important to
me?” The more you get to know yourself, the better equipped you will be when it
comes to evolutionary love. Far too often we throw ourselves at the first cute,
semi-clean person that comes across our path, donning various masks in order to
shape ourselves into the person we think
our lovers want us to be. Or we cling to people, attempting to fill the void of
our perceived unlovability. When we lose our personal center, we are incapable
of showing up as our raw, beautiful selves in the relationship. But when you have done the work to
know who you are and what you stand for, you are more likely to attract others
who support your dreams, nurture your growth and honor the evolutionary power of love.
2: Throw away the
script
We’ve all seen the movies and read the magazine headlines
that reinforce the heteronormative, nuclear family: Boy meets girl, boy marries
girl by age 25, girl pops out two kids by age 30, boy and girl and kids live in
a suburban house for 20 years, boy (and sometimes girl) retires and lives off
pension until boy and girl die. The end. But evolutionary love is not linear
and certainly isn’t beholden to any predetermined script. Evolutionary love
demands that we continue to explore our personal edges in service to growth, not
only for ourselves, but also for our community. We may fall in love with
someone whose gender identity or expression contradicts what society deems as
“acceptable.” We may fall in love with multiple people. We may choose to live
in a community home with many constellations of people. We may choose to live
in separate houses or even separate cities from our partners. We may decide
that marriage, partnership and/or having kids is not in alignment with our
personal desires. Evolutionary love requires courage and may seem subversive to
many. But when we honor our soul’s true path, we are creating a world where
multiple expressions of love can grow, flourish and find acceptance. Thus, we inspire others to step out of the shadows of their own fear and claim the love that is
their birthright.
3: Be committed
to the RELATIONSHIP
In the story of partnership, 1+1 does not equal 2. It equals
3, with the potential for infinity. What that means is, in the case of one
couple, there are 3 key players: partner #1, partner #2 and the relationship
between the two. Add multiple partners to the mix and the web of relating could
conceivably go on indefinitely, though most people have a practicality
threshold keeping that number relatively low. In the case of evolutionary love, all partners must be
committed to the relationship that wants
to be created. This act of humility, surrender and responsibility sets the
stage for a level of relating that goes beyond blame and creates space for all
desires to arise and be seen. Yes, of course we must acknowledge individual
personalities; however we must also recognize that neither person alone can
create the epic magic that comes when one’s power alchemizes with his/her
partner’s. As a personal example, I was recently angry with my husband—so much
so that I had to leave the house and cry myself empty for two hours. At the end
of feeling all that hurt, I asked myself the question, “Does the relationship
last another day?” The answer was simply “Yes.” With my trust firmly rooted in
the container of the relationship, coupled with the knowledge that my husband upheld
the same value of commitment, I faced him with the truth of my feelings,
sharing them in a way that contributed to the growth of our partnership.
4: Let go when the
time comes
This guideline hearkens back to the previous statement that
death is at the heart of evolutionary love. As difficult as that may be to
integrate, think of all the relationships that ended poorly or were filled with
constant strife and unnecessary drama. Much of the time, the problem was that
the relationship did not evolve with the partners. Because we’ve been taught
that a “successful” relationship is one where the partners stay together until
one of them dies, people are slowly withering away in homeostatic relating,
rather than braving the winds of change. Change doesn’t necessarily mean
divorce or break-ups, but it does mean cultivating the willingness to consistently review our
ever-evolving needs, desires and circumstances and dropping what is no longer
serving the relationship. That may seem scary or difficult, like we are
traveling without a map, but it’s also an exciting adventure and creates a
relationship where every touch, kiss and caress is fresh and alive. In a recent article, Will Smith recently spoke about the multiple “deaths” of his marriage
and the creative ways he and his wife evolved the relationship.
5: Champion the
highest vision for your partner(s) and for your community
Being a champion for your partner(s) seems like a no-brainer
in any relationship. Of course you want your partner to succeed in his or her
dreams. But we often don’t act that way. Unspoken jealousies, fears and
resentments creep into the relationship and we end up tearing down ourselves or
our partners. This is where “starting with you” is crucial, because if you are sabotaging
yourself, you often have the self-awareness to catch it and if someone is sabotaging
you, you don’t stand for that crap. In all relating, your partner(s) act as a
mirror, reflecting both the light and the shadow within. Evolutionary love
recognizes this dynamic and consciously uses it for deep growth and
transformation. Our relationships become spiritual paths, with our partners as our
wisest teachers. Those practicing this model of relating often recognize that
they don’t live in an isolated bubble, but are part of a vast network of
people. They understand that through their love, they have the opportunity to
inspire and uplift all within the community.
+1: Nurture your sex
I don’t call this +1 because it’s optional. I call it +1
because it is KEY to cultivating an evolutionary relationship. Most people say
that the first thing to go in a long-term relationship is sex. It’s not
because it isn’t important. It’s because it’s VERY important. We avoid sex
because it’s one of the most highly-charged places in a relationship.
Everything comes to the surface in our sexual lives, so when the resentments
start to build, it’s easy to simply fall into the comfort of avoidance rather
than to sit in the fire of transformation. DO NOT DO THIS. Keep coming back to
sex. Keep learning from the orgasm that arises between you two (or three or
more). Allow yourself to acknowledge all the places where you have been hiding
and lying to your partner. And clear it. This keeps the wheels of the
relationship greased and running smoothly, for if we can learn to communicate
with clarity and compassion in sex, we can most likely do it anywhere.
The list above is by no means complete, definitive or even
“right.” As I said earlier, evolutionary love has an infinite number of
expressions. Ultimately, it’s what you
make of it. Your desire is your guide and your imagination is the map.
I’ve had the great honor of witnessing several members of my
community as they practice evolutionary love and teach us through their
experience. My dear friend, Julia Maryanska, is currently raising funds for her
film, Union: A Documentary About the Art
of Love. The film follows 6 of these couples as they share their struggles,
triumphs and unconventional wisdom on the path to evolutionary love. Interwoven
within the stories are expressions of the couples’ love as told by the music of
electronic artist, Nimitae, and the visionary art of Android Jones.
Click here to learn more and support this fantastic project---> https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/union-a-documentary-about-the-art-of-love
UNION: A documentary about the Art of Love (Trailer) from Julia Maryanska on Vimeo.
